At least for me, motherhood has been a slowly expanding juggling act.
After my oldest was born, I quit working full time and found myself
with loads of time on my hands. Aaron was a fairly easy baby, and so I
had these long stretches of nap time where I cleaned my (already clean)
house, read, made dinner, watched our local morning show, or took a nap
myself. I didn't even have the internet to waste time on since Mike was
in school at the time and took our laptop with him every day.
For
an introvert like me, this was not a bad life. Many days, I just held
Aaron for all of his naps because I couldn't get enough of him, and it
wasn't like I had anything pressing to do. Sometimes I dream about those
days. I didn't appreciate them enough.
As the months,
and then the years, went by, I added a ball here and there to the ones I
was already juggling. I began teaching piano lessons; I had another
baby (and then another and another); my children acquired their own
activities: soccer, gymnastics, piano, school; my house didn't stay
clean; the laundry pile exploded; and I
started this blog.
These
have all been good things, and I feel blessed that I've had the
opportunity to fill my life with so many of the things I love.
But
lately, it feels like I can't stay on top of it all--like maybe, just
maybe, I'm trying to juggle one or two too many balls. I've tried lots
of things to manage everything (schedules and routines and multi-tasking
and delegating). I've tried cutting back (I whittled down by piano
studio to twelve students; I didn't commit to as much volunteering this
year at the school). I've tried to use the hours at the edges of the day
productively (I shifted my
blog writing to the early morning; I spent the evenings putting the house back in order).
And
yet, with all of that, I still find myself feeling frayed and frazzled
for most of the day. I'm tense with my kids. I'm frustrated with my
house. I'm disappointed with myself.
For a long time,
I've wondered if I should give up my blog because it takes up a lot of my time
(and, I'll admit, sometimes adds to the tension I feel when I'm being
interrupted for the dozenth time while writing a post). But it's also
something that brings me a lot of joy and satisfaction outside of
motherhood, and I think that's important.
I thought
about just taking a break, but the word "break" scared me. I'd seen what
happened on other blogs: "Just taking a short break while I find
myself!". . . and then they never posted again.
But a
few weeks ago , I was taking some much needed time to read my scriptures
and ponder my situation. The word "break" again flitted across my
brain, and this time, it didn't scare me. In fact, for the first time, I
was excited by the prospect. \
I remembered an experience
one of my friends had shared about her husband's business. He was
working overtime, putting every possible minute into helping his
business take off . . . but it wasn't working. He was frustrated. His
family missed him. Finally, they just decided that, regardless of the
consequences, they all needed a break. They pack up their camper and
went into the mountains for a week. And while he was away from work, he
could suddenly look at it very objectively from a distance, and he knew
what was missing. He went home rejuvenated and with a new plan (and it worked).
I wondered if the same thing might happen
with my blog. If I stopped thinking and worrying about it 24/7, if I
simply put my focus on something else for a few weeks, maybe I'd be able
to see things more clearly and figure out a solution. I decided it was
worth a chance anyway. But definitely not without a plan.
I learned from Gretchen Rubin's
Better Than Before
that stopping a habit can be disastrous. I know marathoners who
immediately sign up for the next race as soon as they're done with one
just so that they don't get into the habit of sleeping in. One of the
stories Gretchen tells is about a yoga instructor who wouldn't let his
clients "stop for the summer." Instead, he just cancelled the
appointments during those months, but they still had their next
appointment scheduled on the calendar, so it didn't feel like a big
ordeal to start up again in the fall.
As I've been
thinking about my break, I've planned it out very purposefully and
strategically. It will be three weeks long (which I hope is long enough
for me to make a clean break of it but not so long that I feel like I've
completely abandoned ship). Gretchen Rubin said, "When faced with an
unavoidable stopping point . . . it
helps to commit to a specific day to jump back into the habit." So I've
done just that with my break. It will run from September 21st to October
11th (going over
conference weekend, which is always a contemplative,
reflective time for me).
This will be a break not only
from the blog
but the internet in general. That means no Instagram, no Facebook, no
checking other people's blogs. I know.
It's going to be tough. I
am
giving myself permission to check my email during that time just because
I feel like that's necessary in order to be a responsible adult, so you
can still get a hold of me that way.
All this might be
coming as a shock to you, like it's something I've done on a whim, but
it's been in the planning stages for weeks, and I have to say, I'm kind
of excited for it. There have been some things I've shoved to the back
of my life that I hope to give a little more attention to during the
next few weeks: an online photography class I bought months ago, some
non-blog writing, a little organizing. I also plan to keep track of how
I'm spending my time and note my observations in my journal.
When
I told Mike about my plan, he totally surprised me by saying, "I'll
guest post for you during that time!" You have to understand, during the
last three-and-a-half years, Mike has taken only a passing interest in
my blog, so for him to actually volunteer to write on it? That's huge.
You're in for a treat, that's all I can say.
So that's
what Mike will be doing during the break. And I actually have something
for you (yes you, dear readers) to do during the break as well. For a
long time, I've had some questions bouncing around in my brain: How do
people find my blog? What makes them stay (or better than that, come
back)? What makes them leave? etc. I finally just decided it was time
for Sunlit Pages' first ever reader survey.
I know.
Everyone has a survey they want filled out. But this one will literally
take you five minutes (or less) and will be so helpful to me in taking
the pulse of this blog. And obviously, a response from one hundred of
you will be vastly more informative than from just ten of you, so
please, even if you haven't ever commented on this blog, please take a
couple minutes to do this for me. Thank you so, so much. (It's embedded
at the bottom of the post.)
Regardless of what happens
during the next three weeks, it's a pretty sure bet that I won't just
fade away into the internet abyss. You can expect me back on October
12th because it's written on the schedule, and I am nothing if not a
strict adherer to schedules. See you in a few weeks!
(Also, let me know in the comments or by email if you have trouble taking the survey. Since this is my first one, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to get it to you.)
