The Sweetness of Boys

When we were pregnant for the first time and found out that the baby would be a boy, I'll confess, I was a little disappointed. I had always pictured a girl first--one who would be sweet and thoughtful and nurturing (and probably a little bossy, too). But a boy. I just couldn't imagine a boy being any of those things.

I, of course, have changed my perspective in the intervening years. Boys are not the same as girls to be sure, but I've seen their kind, compassionate sides, and I love them for it. But even with this love and adoration for my boys, I had no idea that they were capable of orchestrating the best mother's day I've ever had.

It started weeks ago when Max put a box in his closet and began filling it with little presents he made in his spare time. I was under strict orders not to look in the box when I came in to get the laundry.

Around that same time, Bradley started crossing off the days on the calendar, giving me the most current countdown: "Only twelve more days until Mother's Day!" As the day approached, he grew increasingly excited, "Don't forget what's going to happen on Sunday, Mom."

I have to admit, I kind of wondered if they were confused about the purpose of Mother's Day. They did realize, right, that it wasn't a day for kids but for moms?

On Saturday night, Max set his alarm for midnight. His plan was to get up and clean the whole house so that it would be all ready for me when I woke up. Mike and I were the only ones who ended up hearing his alarm when it started beeping incessantly in the dead of night, but when he woke up at a normal time the next morning, he didn't let the lost hours stop him from getting right to work straightening up Clark's bedroom and the living room.

They let me sleep in and then showered me with gifts the moment I woke up: cards and bookmarks and pictures and crafts. There were so many little items in Max's box that we had to take a break so we could eat breakfast.

Here's some of what I found:

• a board game called "Get the Kisses"
• many origami hearts
• a little paper bag filled with six paper books
• hand-stamped notes
• a little scotch-taped paper container to keep my earrings in
• paper clip chains that spelled out the word "red" (my favorite color)
• coupons for basement and room cleaning
• homemade cards with fancy pop-ups

Sometimes I get a little stressed when my kids make me things because, as someone who doesn't love clutter, I just don't know how to handle all of it. But yesterday, I just basked in it. I thought of all of the hours and hours of work that went into it and realized, My kids are celebrating me because they want to. I am not just some afterthought. They didn't realize the morning of, "Oh I guess I better make Mom a card" and slap something together. They've been prepping for this day for weeks because they wanted to make me feel special.

Even Mike was surprised. There have been years when he has put forth a lot of time and effort to involve the boys in planning something sweet, but the week got away from him (and Mother's Day fell early this year). He still got me a gift (a kindle, which deserves its own post since it's taken me a long time to decide my life could benefit from having an e-reader in it), but he didn't take the boys out shopping or help them make anything for me. But his worry was unneeded. His boys paid attention to the date themselves and got ready for it on their own.

We spent the morning at church where the Primary children sang a couple of songs in sacrament meeting and filled out those fun questionnaires (for the question, "My mother loves to . . ." Max wrote, "read, take a nap, read to herself"). Bradley wore the sweater he doesn't like because he knows I like it. Clark handed me a paper flower with his picture in the middle and said, "Here, Mommy." In the afternoon, I read aloud to them (we just started Voyage of the Dawn Treader), and then I took a nap (so it appears Max knows me pretty well). No one fought or argued (or at least, not much).

In the evening, my brother and his family came over, and Mike made the most amazing salmon and shrimp (and he doesn't even like shrimp).

And through it all, I just kept telling myself, Pay attention. Remember that. You will never get another Mother's Day like this one. 

Maybe that's kind of cynical of me to say. But I realize I'm in the golden period of motherhood right now. My kids are old enough to carry on an interesting conversation and help out around the house but not so old that their parents don't know anything anymore. I would love it if they always looked forward to Mother's Day this much, but there will probably come a time when it will feel less like a privilege and more like an obligation. Life gets busy, and holidays become a burden because they come around so quickly, and a homemade card no longer seems to cut it.

I know a lot of moms who don't like Mother's Day because it brings up a lot of guilt. I certainly feel some of that, especially when my kids are so sweet to me and I remember all of the times I've been a real monster to them (although it definitely goes both ways, if you know what I mean). But mostly I just feel gratitude on Mother's Day: for my own mother, of course, but also for the opportunity to be a mother.

I don't know what my kids will be like in twenty years. I don't know if they'll be the types of sons who will call me on the phone or give me hugs or think to pamper me on special days. I like to think that they'll be like that, but I don't know.

What I do know is that right now, in 2016, these boys of mine are the sweetest, most thoughtful, most affectionate little boys I know. And oh, I'm going to treasure it.

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men by Leonard Sax

When I first met Mike (9+ years ago in the JSB), he had three nephews: James, Steven, and Sam. They were adorable. I remember James' clear, intelligent way of speaking, Steven's never-ending number of facts, and Sam's sweet, easy-to-love face. At the time, it never struck me as unusual that Mike had only nephews. Probably because it wasn't unusual. Many families have three nephews and no nieces.

But now, almost a decade later, that number has grown substantially. Now there are nineteen boys countered by only two girls. That's a little more unusual.

Three of those boys are mine, of course. So I think it's only natural that I would be interested in a book about some of the problems facing boys today--not only because I have three of my own but also because, from the looks of things, unless the stars change their alignment, boys are all I'll have in the future, too. (And that's fine with me--spending all my time around boys has made me become fiercely attached to them...)

And I'll tell you what, you can't spend the majority of your day around boys and not realize that some frightening trends have taken shape over the last thirty years.

I read this book for several reasons: I'm worried about my own sons growing up in a world of poor role models and dangerous hobbies and wanted some ideas for how to combat these growing problems; I wanted to better understand and help the boys I work with on a weekly basis (through church, piano lessons, and preschool); and last, my sister-in-law insisted it was a book I needed to read, and I have never regretted any of her recommendations.

I'm sure all of you know at least one boy who fits at least some of these characteristics: hates school, unmotivated, not interested in the world around him, refuses to work, receives no pride or pleasure in a job well done, lives in a virtual fantasy world, and/or has no goals or aspirations for life. Dr. Sax describes several such boys in the opening chapter of Boys Adrift.

He then introduces and expounds on the five factors he believes are driving this "growing epidemic": Changes at school, video games, medications for ADHD, endocrine disruptors, and lack of positive role models.

First, changes at school. By this, he means the way schools have evolved over the last 30+ years to be more accessible to girls than boys: kindergartners are now being taught the same curriculum as first graders from several decades ago, the structure has become much more rigid and stationary and less hands-on and interactive, and most of the competitive elements are gone. I found it so interesting that he never once mentioned homeschooling in this section, which I personally think would solve most of the education problems he mentioned. Instead, he advocated all-boy private schools, which, I have no doubt, probably do exhibit some major advantages but which also, let's face it, are probably not a viable option for most of us. This section definitely made me rethink a lot of things, including the way I teach piano to several of my boy students.

Second, video games. I'm about as opposed to video games as you can get, and this section only added fuel to my fire. He said that video games cause boys to disengage from the real world--neglecting experiential play in favor of virtual success and power. Video games are addictive and a time-waster. Plus, scientists have found that playing video games turns off blood flow to the DLPFC (dorsolateral prefrontal cortex), which subsequently interferes with the nucleus accumbens, the part of the brain in charge of drive and motivation. So it seems video games actually do make boys more lazy. I'm glad that, at this point, our family has been able to avoid video and computer games. Mike used to have a few games on his iPod, too, but he has since deleted all of them. We do have a TV (which I have a love/hate relationship with), so I'm glad video games are one daily battle I don't have to face.

Third, ADHD medications. This chapter was fascinating and, at the same time, terrifying. It literally made me feel sick. I really do believe that, like Dr. Sax suggested, ADHD is mis-diagnosed and over-medicated. He mentioned that currently the common course of action with a boy who exhibits some indicators of ADHD is to try a low dose of medication and see if it helps. If it does help, then he must have ADHD. But the problem is, and Dr. Sax cited a study to prove it, when people without ADHD are given an ADHD medication, they exhibit the same kind of improvements as people who are diagnosed with ADHD. So there are many boys who get put on medication in kindergarten because they can't sit still, but what would have really helped them is just holding them back a year and then enrolling them in a school with lots of hands-on activities. Once they're on medication, it interferes with the nucleus accumbens (like video games) and makes it very difficult to later take them off the medication because of the changes that have happened in the brain. Dr. Sax is not saying that ADHD is not a real diagnosis, but he does present a very convincing argument that far more boys are diagnosed with it than actually have it.

Fourth, endocrine disruptors. This is another scary one, and one that I feel like I have less control over. Sure, I can put a ban on video games and avoid ADHD medication, but how do I live in this world of plastics and chemicals and pollution and keep them safe from endocrine disruptors? Endocrine disruptors are the chemicals in plastic water bottles like bisphenol A or phthalates that "accelerate puberty in girls" and "delay or disrupt the process of puberty in boys." There is also growing evidence that they may be a cause of ADHD.

Fifth, lack of positive role models. Dr. Sax says that all enduring cultures have one thing in common: men teach boys how to be men. Our culture is straying away from this. Boys are learning how to be men from television or video games but not from their own fathers or other mentors. I think this is one of the reasons I have banned most superheroes from our house: they are not providing the kind of positive role models I want for my boys.

After expounding on the first four factors, Dr. Sax described a phenomenon he called "Failure to Launch," which basically refers to men who can't make it on their own; they live with their parents, they work a few hours a week, they have no interest in relationships. Dr. Sax shared a letter from a successful man who said he was "only a marital separation away" from living such a life. He said he would need very little to be satisfied in life but that he worked hard in order to provide a nice life for his family. He said, "Take my dear ones away and I need none of it." After I read this letter, I asked Mike if he thought it described him--not that he would be a bum on the streets if he didn't have a family but just if it's his family that provides him with the drive he needs to succeed. He said that the few times the boys and I have visited my parents without him (usually because he has a lot of work to do), he lives a very simple life: he eats cereal and frozen pizza and spends the majority of his time away from home (whereas when we are here, he can hardly wait to come home so he can play with the boys). I just think it's so interesting that so many men today are choosing not to get married or have a family, and that it could be those very things that would help them have the motivation to be successful.

Incidentally, after I started this book, I told Mike he really needed to read it, too. So he also listened to the whole thing, and it was so nice to have someone to discuss it with, especially the someone who is also responsible for raising our three sons.

I am convinced that this is a book every person should read: single, married, parents, everyone. I know that sounds really over-arching, but I can't think of a single person who wouldn't benefit from reading this: maybe you're a teacher with a classroom full of boys taking Ritalin, or maybe you're dating a guy who can't decide on a career, or maybe you are that guy who wants to live in his parents' basement forever, or maybe you help with Cub Scouts at church, or maybe you have a little neighbor boy who drives you crazy...we all interact with boys/men on some level, and I really believe that reading this book would help all of us identify problems and figure out solutions that would help curb this epidemic of "unmotivated boys and underachieving young men."

P.S. This is also another candidate for my re-read of the year. Now if I can only convince one of my book clubs to read it...