Showing posts with label education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label education. Show all posts

Educated by Tara Westover

Feb 8, 2019

I don't know how I feel about this book. Maybe I'm writing about it too soon after finishing it. Maybe I should wait until both of my book clubs have discussed it and I've had time to shape my thoughts and let my opinions settle.

But part of me also just wants to get this review over with so I can be free of this book that made me feel so many things, most of them not at all pleasant.

It is the memoir of Tara Westover, the youngest of seven children, who was raised in the shadow of Buck Peak in rural Idaho. She didn't have a birth certificate until she was nine years old. Her mother and father treated all illnesses and injuries (some of them quite significant) at home. Her education was neglected in the name of home schooling.

Her father plays a key role in the way Tara identifies herself. He rules the family with almost prophetic authority, laying down the will of the Lord and admonishing them all to become self-sufficient and prepare for the end of the world. (Ironically, they are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is also my religion, but it was almost unrecognizable to me.) (Also ironically, Tara's father is uncannily similar to the father in The Great Alone, and both books happened to be narrated by the same person, which made the resemblance even more striking.)

I spent most of the book cringing. If anyone had looked over at me while I was listening, they most likely would have seen a grimace. The amount of physical injuries that happened in this story was astounding: legs ripped open, faces burned off, wrists cracked. If it had been fiction, I might have said that the author had carried it too far.

But my grimace was for more than the physical pain. First it was for all the things Tara endured as a child (physical abuse by her older brother being the most egregious), but later it was because she just kept going back for more. Even after she received a bachelor's degree and began work on a PhD, she continued to return home where she fell right back into her role as obedient and submissive daughter, always doubting her own memory if it conflicted with that of her parents.

Throughout the book, as Tara explains certain events, she says things like, "My brother, Tyler, remembers this event differently" or "I recorded this experience in my journal, but I have no actual memory of it." Sometimes her journal even revealed two very different versions of the same event. Tara has this habit of pausing the experience and zooming out on the picture and examining it from afar: "I will always remember my father in this moment, the potency of him and the desperation. He leans forward, jaw set, eyes narrow, searching his son's face for some sign of agreement, some crease of shared conviction."

This distrust of her own memory is understandable when, as an intelligent, successful adult, Tara finally confronts her parents about her older brother's abuse and is met with adamant accusations that such allegations are misconstrued and false. She receives no support from them (even as her brother is sitting beside her, whispering threatening things in her ear), and this leads to a complete mental breakdown where she can't cope with real life because she doesn't even know if she's actually living or just imagining it.

It just made me sick. And angry too. I am not saying that this is a completely accurate, unbiased account of Tara's life. It's a memoir, for crying out loud. Of course it's going to be biased. A memoir is not a factual statement. It is a unique individual's perceptions of her own experiences. But when a story is corroborated by multiple people (as Tara's was) and the people who supposedly love her most blatantly disregard it, it is sickening. There is no other word for it.

I did find it curious, however, that anytime she quotes an email or message exchange, she specifically states that it is not a direct quote, but a general recounting of the basic premise. I didn't understand why she wouldn't just quote the actual words rather than reinterpreting them each time. It didn't make me question her accusations, but it made me approach the story a little more cautiously than I might have otherwise.

In tone and content, it reminded me a great deal of both The Glass Castle and Hillbilly Elegy (and also, as mentioned above, but for completely different reasons, The Great Alone). If possible, I think Tara's story is even more horrific than Jeannette Walls' and personally, it gripped me quite a bit more than J.D. Vance's.

I think part of my discomfort with the book was that certain details matched my own upbringing, but everything about it was grotesquely warped. Tara was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; I am a member of the same church. Tara was home schooled; I was home schooled. Tara's mother used herbal remedies; my mom preferred echinacea to Tylenol when we were sick. So maybe it wasn't just that I was distressed by Tara's story. Maybe I was a little defensive too. It was an example to me that even good things can turn bad when taken to an extreme.

Content note: minimal swearing, but a fair amount of descriptive injuries and abuse

The Book Blab Episode 9: Reading as a Means to Learning Plus Two Books That Helped Us Learn Something New

Oct 1, 2016

Suzanne and I got together a couple of days ago and recorded another episode of The Book Blab, and I'm so happy to share it with you today! As mentioned in our last episode, we had to switch to Google Hangout. It doesn't use a split screen but instead shows the person who is talking at that moment. I didn't love it last month, but this month was even more annoying. I've had a cough for a couple of weeks, and every time I gave even a little cough, the screen switched to me hacking away. Sorry about that! Other than that, this platform seems to be working for us, so I think we'll continue with it.

And now, onto the show! Enjoy!



0:20 - September marks the beginning of a new school year
1:36 - Today's topic: Reading for educational purposes
2:06 - Reading for pleasure vs. reading for information
3:39 - Pew survey says parents of small children do the most informational reading
5:35 - If presented in the right way, nonfiction can be just as riveting as fiction
6:15 - A few examples of books that satisfied a specific educational need
7:30 - Biographies vs. memoirs
8:58 - Self-help books
9:52 - Fictional reading can be educational, too
11:10 - Classic and historical fiction novels are a great way to learn about history
12:52 - The value of writing about literature in a critical way
16:28 - Why there can be educational value to "cotton candy" books
17:45 - The subtle way fiction can actually help you be a better parent, spouse, human etc. and expand your perspective
19:45 - Use reading goals to tackle topics you want to learn more about
21:47 - Two books that helped us learn something new
  • 22:06 - Suzanne's recommendation
  • 25:38 - Amy's recommendation
28:27 - Conclusion

Books and links mentioned in the show:

A Disciple's Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell by Bruce C. Hafen (Amy's review)
Beethoven by Maynard Solomon (Amy's review)
Baby-led Weaning by Gill Rapley (Amy's review
Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin (Amy's review; Suzanne's review)
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens (Amy's review)
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (Suzanne's mentions it in this post)
Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes
Rifles for Watie by Harold Keith
Little Men by Louisa May Alcott (Amy's review)
Middlemarch by George Elliot (Amy's review)
Reading goals (Amy's; Suzanne's)
Being Mortal by Atul Gawande (Suzanne's review; Amy's review)
Honey for a Child's Heart by Gladys Hunt (Amy's review)

What about you? Do you read for information or pleasure or both? What is one of the most memorable things you've learned through reading? 

Honey For a Child's Heart: The Imaginative Use of Books in Family Life by Gladys Hunt

Nov 23, 2015

Honey For a Child's Heart by Gladys Hunt (book review)
I first heard about Honey For a Child's Heart many months ago on a Read-Aloud Revival episode. I can never resist a good book list, so a whole book full of good book lists sounded right up my alley. (It was subsequently mentioned on almost every following episode, which further cemented my desire to look it up.)

A couple of months ago, my education group was planning out the next nine months of meetings. We each volunteered for a month to choose a book and host, and this is the book I went with. I was glad to finally have a reason to read this book and discuss it with other book-loving moms.

The book is divided into two sections. The first hundred or so pages make a case for why reading in the home is so wonderful and why every family should make it a priority. Of course, I loved these chapters. Reading with my kids is my very favorite way to spend time with them, and it's always nice to get some outside validation that what I love is actually what is best for them.

Gladys Hunt said, "Good literature teaches more than we know. Example always speaks louder than precept, and books can do more to inspire honor and tenacity of purpose than all the chiding and exhortations in the world."

She also used this section to talk about how to choose good books. Every time I go to the library without a plan (i.e., without twenty books already waiting for me on my hold shelf), I feel so overwhelmed (unless of course I'm by myself with twenty minutes of free time--then I'm happy to aimlessly peruse the shelves). The problem is, when I feel like I'm under a time constraint to find a worthwhile book for Aaron to read, the pressure of sifting through a lot of poor literature in hopes of finding the gold is really daunting.

Gladys Hunt defines a good book as "the quality of the idea, the skill of the plot, the depth of the characterization, [and] the distinctive style of the author." I agree with all those things, and I believe I can often recognize it when I find it. The problem is, finding it.

That's why book lists (from people you know and trust) can be such a gold mine. When other people have done the work for you, it's so easy to just click and reserve, click and reserve, and within ten minutes have a stack of books worth reading. I have many websites and blogs I trust for book recommendations (look at Where to Find a Good Children's Book and Nine Blogs I Visit For Book Recommendations for some of my favorites), but I really loved the second section of this book, which was list after list after list of tried-and-true books for children. (In fact, at one point, I closed this book, looked over at Mike and said, "I can't take it. There are too many good books to read.")

Seriously though, the book lists in this section are awesome (and I should know since, being the nerd that I am, I actually read this entire section cover to cover because it's so much fun to read a book list). I feel like I need to buy this book so that I'll be able to reference it whenever I'm reserving books at the library (a favorite nighttime activity for me).

That said, these aren't perfect lists, and I'll tell you why.

First, she recommends so many books that are currently out of print. I love discovering old classics, but it is really frustrating to hear about a good book and not be able to check it out from the library. I almost never buy books that I haven't already read, and I'm certainly not going to pay rare book prices if it's for a book I don't already know that we love. So I'm torn: I liked finding out about new books, but if I can't read them, it just makes the forbidden carrot so much more agonizing.

Second, I discovered that when she was summarizing a book I already knew, I often found her descriptions so bland and/or misrepresentative that I maybe would have never picked up that particular book if I was going off of her recommendation alone. The problem with that was since I felt like she didn't do justice to the books I knew, it made me distrust her a little with the books I didn't know.

Third, the organization was a little bit random and haphazard. If I had been skimming rather than reading this section all the way through, I think I would have missed a lot of good books because I would have assumed they were somewhere else rather than where they actually were. Also, some of her summaries were placed in the most bizarre places. For example, she listed several of the books in The Wolves of Willoughby Chase series, but didn't put her summary until after the third book (which made it look like the first two listed weren't part of the same series (also, she classified this as a "young adult" novel and, as you might remember, we just read this book last month, and my kids loved it, and I'm still trying to figure out what was young adult about it since the girls in the story are about nine years old).

All of this makes it sound like I didn't like the book lists but quite the opposite is true. I just wanted you to have a heads up on some of the things to watch out for if you take a look through them. From these lists, we've already found some new favorites, such as Pete's a Pizza by William Steig, Meanwhile by Jules Feiffer, and Max Found Two Sticks by Brian Pinkney.

This book made me reevaluate the way I was choosing books for my kids, particularly the books that Aaron is reading on his own. I'll be sharing some of the changes I've made in a future post, so stay tuned for that. And meanwhile, go get this book and start making more conscientious choices for your family too.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Jul 3, 2015

A book review of Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
Chances are pretty good that even if you haven't read Daring Greatly, you've probably at least heard of Brené Brown (her TED talk about the power of vulnerability has had over twenty million views).

This book has been on my radar for many months. My book club read it over a year ago, but it ended up being one of the few books I haven't read with them because I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it to the discussion. A few months later a woman who goes to our church mentioned it. She's a family therapist and has talked a great deal about the difference between vulnerability and shame. Then a blogger listed it as one of her favorite TED talks (so I watched it). And finally, my education group selected it as our reading material for May. And that's when the stars finally aligned enough for me to read it. 

Brené Brown calls herself "a researcher and a storyteller," and that is a very accurate description. In this book, she talks about vulnerability: what it is, what it isn't, and why it is necessary to become a healthy, vibrant, and wholehearted (my favorite word of hers) adult. She lays out her ideas through both data (her own and others) and stories (her own and others). This combination is extremely effective and makes this an enjoyable, as well as convincing, read.

Ever since finishing this book, I can't get vulnerability off my mind. (If you've read the book, I'm sure that comes as no surprise. It's probably been on your mind, too.) I thought about it when I played the organ at my sister-in-law's funeral. The church was packed to the brim with people I didn't and (worse) did know, and I was nervous and emotional. I thought about it a few weeks ago when my twelve little piano students played in my spring recital. Some of them were confident; some of them were anxious. And I was confident and anxious for them. I thought about it after I talked to someone new at the swimming pool and then realized I add mascara running down my face. I have to work up my courage to strike up a conversation with someone I don't know, but I had forgotten that it was one of the rare occasions when I was actually wearing mascara. Day after day, moment after moment, I choose whether or not I will take the scary road and be vulnerable or hide out in my comfort zone.

While vulnerability is the crux of this book, I still don't know that I'd be able to give a concise definition of it if someone came up to me and asked, "So . . . what is vulnerability?" I know what it feels like (see the above three examples), but when someone who hadn't finished the book posed that exact question at my education group discussion, I found myself scrambling for the right words.

I wish I had remembered Brené Brown's own short, clear definition: "I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." In a slightly longer explanation, she said, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable but they're never weakness." She also expanded it this way: "Vulnerability isn't good or bad. It's not what we call a 'dark emotion,' nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable." That last sentence might be my favorite: "To feel is to be vulnerable."

I know I'm not alone in my struggling grasp of the concept of vulnerability. I was talking to one of Mike's cousins who had read the book, and she said that when she discussed it at her book club, one of the women said, "So I just don't get vulnerability. I don't understand what it is." And yes, this woman had read the book. But having read the book several weeks ago and now thinking back on it, I think I get why she might have said that. Vulnerability is something we're all inherently familiar with, but, like Brené Brown said, many of us associate it with "dark" feelings (sadness, shame, grief, fear), and so the challenge to "be vulnerable" makes us feel uncomfortable because we're (quite naturally) trying to avoid those feelings.

And I admit that now, weeks later, I'm still not exactly sure how to apply vulnerability to my own life. I know what it is. I know why it's actually a positive thing. I can look back at some of my life experiences and pinpoint what I did that was vulnerable and why it ended up being good for me. But it's hard for me to look at today and tomorrow and the next day and say, "Today I'm going to be vulnerable by doing __________."

One of my favorite parts of the book was actually Brené Brown's discussion about what vulnerability is not. For example, vulnerability is not sharing every personal detail of your life on facebook or in a blog post or in front of a group of strangers. Those things are best kept for family (or close friends) who have earned your trust (slowly and gradually filled the jelly bean jar, as Brené Brown explained it) or shared after you've already worked through your emotions and are no longer looking for validation or help.

However, that doesn't mean when you see a mom with a screaming toddler at the park that you shouldn't give her an empathetic smile and an encouraging word. Of course you should! That's kind of the whole point of vulnerability: it's knowing when and how to put yourself out there in order to build strong and honest connections with people. It's commiserating with that mom instead of casting a judgmental eye on her. 

Brené Brown said, "There's a quiet transformation happening that is moving us from turning on each other to turning toward each other." I love that idea. Even though I'm still trying to figure out how to actually practice vulnerability, I know what I want for the end result. And it's this: I want to build meaningful connections with people (close family and friends, casual acquaintances, and total strangers) in appropriate ways. I want to give a little and have you give a little back so that we can learn and grow together. I want to be brave and try new things. While vulnerability is intensely personal, it's one of those things that really only works if it's reciprocated.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on vulnerability. Do you associate it with light or dark feelings? How have you put vulnerability into daily practice?

How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character by Paul Tough

Mar 11, 2015

Aside from one semester of extreme homesickness, college and I had a pretty good run together. I enjoyed my classes, my grades were good overall (except for cursed dictation), and I liked my professors. If you looked at my college career, you would call it a success.

And if I had to blame (or thank) one thing for that success, it would definitely be my ability to work hard. I couldn't ace a test without studying for it, but I sure knew how to set my alarm for 5:15 am and hit the ground running.

Given my experience, I can't say I was surprised to hear Paul Tough's findings in How Children Succeed. His basic premise is that we focus too much in schools on grades and test scores and not enough on character strengths such as zest, curiosity, and optimism. There's a growing amount of research that says character matters . . . and in a really big way.

I listened to this book and didn't take as many notes as I should have (read: none). That was great while I was listening to it; I was just absorbing all this information thinking, Wow, that's fascinating. Yep, totally agree with that. Huh, who would've thought?, but now my brain is having a really difficult time recalling names and details: Where was that school that used the KIPP program? What are the seven character strengths? Who was that researcher?

However, I can tell you this: much of the book focuses on a list of seven character strengths (sometimes referred to as "non-cognitive skills") that are being implemented and taught within the curriculum of over a hundred schools in the U.S. Known as KIPP (Knowledge is Power Program), Paul Tough specifically contrasts its effectiveness in two very schools: one inner-city, low-income school and another wealthy, upper-class school.

The question that I found so fascinating was: How do you teach these non-cognitive skills (grit or gratitude or curiosity) in such a way that they are not only memorized but also applied? I think we're all familiar with the motivational posters in school hallways that remind students that "West High students are __________ (fill in the blank with character strength of choice)." But how do you take it from that (a poster on the wall) to high school/college graduation, successful career, and contributing member of society?

One school that Tough reported on used a "character report card," which seemed a little presumptuous to me. Others tried the aforementioned posters, hoping students would pick it up through osmosis. Some made sure that teachers referred often to the character traits in lectures and one-on-one interactions.

For my part, I couldn't help thinking that while I think it's great if teachers are talking about and demonstrating self-control and gratitude in the classroom, it's even better if the parents are teaching it in the home. The more I learn and read about education, the more I personally realize that there is absolutely no substitute for a good home life. It just about breaks my heart to think about all of the thousands of kids who go to school every day with so much trauma in their lives that doing well in school falls very low on their list of priorities. But fixing America's homes? That's a discussion for another day.

Anyway, the part of the book I found most fascinating was about, of all things, chess. Paul Tough told about an inner-city middle school in Brooklyn that apparently has one of the best chess teams in the country. He used this school to show how kids of all intelligence levels can benefit from the discipline required by the game and learn valuable life skills from the cycle of winning and losing. However, I was mainly interested in hearing about chess itself--about people who practice for 14 hours a day; about tournaments that last for hours; about ratings and strategies and mistakes. It was just a completely unknown world to me. Maybe I found it so interesting because Aaron's been participating in his little chess club at school this year (and, I don't want to criticize him or anything, but I think he spends more time looking at the ceiling than at the board; maybe he's planning out his next seven moves, but I highly doubt it.). 

Unlike some books that belabor all the things that are wrong with our educational system but don't really offer any ideas for what we can do about it, I thought How Children Succeed was very positive and hopeful overall. There are a number of programs already in place that are giving kids the tools they need to succeed, and I heard Paul Tough say in an interview that he thinks within the next five years we'll really refine the ideas that work the very best. I don't know if I'm that optimistic (maybe that's a character strength I need to work on!), but I do think putting the focus on non-cognitive abilities is a step in the right direction.

Paul Tough says these character strengths are not inborn necessarily but can be learned and developed. What do you think? How would you teach grit? Or zest? Or curiosity?

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman

Sep 10, 2014

Sometimes I read a book with the hopes that it will help me understand my children and consequently make me a better mom. In the process of analyzing my kids, I begin to analyze myself, and I make discoveries in places I was not expecting.

This is exactly what happened as I read this book. And it's exactly what happened to my friends who also read it for our education principles meeting.

In the first ten minutes of our discussion, we talked about strained relationships with family members, due in large part to repressing feelings and lacking emotional connections. I think we all could tell it was going to turn into a night of group therapy.

The book takes an unbiased, scientific look at feelings and emotions and the appropriate way to handle and express them. In many ways, it's very idealistic: in the third chapter, he lays out the "five key steps for emotion coaching," which are "limit setting, identifying goals, thinking of possible solutions, evaluating proposed solutions based on your family's values, and helping your child choose a solution." As with most parenting books, I was a little skeptical: It sounds so simple and easy; if I do A, he'll do B. If I say C, he'll say D. In my experience, the little scripts are nice, but add in the very things this book is about (i.e., volatile human emotions), and real-life scenarios play out in very unexpected ways.

However, if you can't approach emotions in a practical, idealistic way, how will you ever possibly get a grip on them? Which is why I decided to set aside my skepticism and just learn and apply all I could from this book.

As I went into it with an open mind, I discovered a lot of things about my children and the ways they handle their emotions but also about myself and the way I handle my emotions.

Early in the book, Dr. Gottman has the reader take a couple of quizzes, which are meant to highlight the reader's parenting style but also reveal how the reader perceives and reacts to various emotions. Although somewhat tedious, I decided to answer all of the questions as honestly as possible (which was very difficult for me, since I knew what the "right" answer was and that my truthful answer was not going to result in a very good score). And what I discovered was this:

I am more empathetic to feelings of sadness than to feelings of anger. I believe sometimes you need to let yourself have a good cry, but you should never give voice to your anger. Both emotions are subordinate to happiness. Happiness is the ultimate feeling, the one we should all strive for.

The more I read, the more I realized my opinions were a little (or a lot) messed up. And it wasn't just that I was believing what Dr. Gottman was telling me but that I could see the truth of it reflected in my own life.

Without meaning to, my life became the perfect object lesson. I happened to read this book while I was at my family reunion a few weeks ago. It could not have been more timely. As often happens when you get a large group of people together who share common blood, there were some moments of tension. At the beginning of the week, my brother and I decided we would both try our hardest not to be the cause of any fights or hurt feelings. We even put a plate of cookies on the line to give us a little more incentive.

This little competition worked like a charm for the first two days. Anytime, someone would say something I didn't agree with, I would just bite my tongue or leave the room. But as the week went on, it became more and more difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. I felt a physical pressure building inside of me, and at one point I even told Mike, "I think we might need to go home early" because I didn't know how I could possibly last another couple of days without letting some of that pressure escape, and I knew the result would be something I'd definitely regret.

(I realize this makes it sound like the reunion was full of tension, which it wasn't at all. I'm just giving you a small glimpse of the unpleasant parts for the sake of this book. Overall, it was one of the most fun family reunions I've been to.)

Anyway, all this was happening while I was reading about the benefits of not suppressing your anger but dealing with it immediately in a constructive and healthy way. On our drive home (not two days early, by the way), I realized that I hadn't handled my feelings well at all. I had felt so proud of myself for not yelling at anybody (which I still believe was a good thing), but I hadn't dealt with any of my frustration, anger, or annoyance. I kept it all inside of me until it physically hurt. In retrospect, it's totally clear what I should have done: address the problem quietly and respectfully before it got to the point that it would have exploded out of my mouth if I'd said anything. For example, when another family member bossed around my children (even when I was sitting in the same room), I could have said, "I know you're trying to be helpful, but if I'm in the room, please let me handle it." My problem is, it's hard for me to picture myself saying such a thing calmly and rationally because I generally wait to say anything until it's too late.

All of this is to say that since reading this book, I'm viewing anger in a much more positive light. There are still healthy and unhealthy ways to express it. Of course there are. But if I'm feeling angry, it's because something is wrong and something needs to be addressed. I now believe that anger, if handled correctly, can be an avenue for positive change.

Now that I've looked at my own emotions more realistically and openly, I've been more empathetic towards my kids' emotions. At the beginning of the book, Dr. Gottman said, ". . . we have inherited a tradition of discounting children's feelings simply because children are smaller, less rational, less experienced, and less powerful than the adults around them. Taking children's emotions seriously requires empathy, keen listening skills, and a willingness to see things from their perspective." I admit that I was definitely the mom that would send her tantrum-ing children to their rooms until they could come out with happy faces.

At the very least, this book has helped me validate their feelings. I no longer try to end the unpleasant emotions as quickly as possible. Instead, I use his suggestions in the book and reflect their feelings back to them: "I can see you're feeling really upset about this. I know it can be hard not to have things go your way." But in the midst of being more empathetic, I try to set really clear boundaries: "But even when you're feeling really upset, it is not okay to hit your brother. You may take a little break in your room or outside."

I've also tried to be more in tune with where the problem might be stemming from, and to be honest, it almost always comes from the same place: lack of food. When my kids are hungry, they tend to take everything very personally. A little snack goes a long way, and then, even if we're dealing with a slightly bigger problem, we can do just that: deal with it, like rational human beings.

Now is this book the perfect solution? Of course not. Many of his conversations are stilted and unrealistic. Many of his personal examples are very one dimensional (probably because he only has one child who, at the time he wrote it, was still under the age of ten). And I would have really loved less script and more real life examples.

However, I've read enough parenting books to know I will never find the perfect one. And that's what makes them so fabulous. I take what I want, laugh at some parts, and throw away the rest. And slowly, veeerrrry sloooowwwly, my parenting is becoming what I want it to be.

How do YOU view anger, sadness, and other emotions? Do you have a favorite parenting book that teaches about people's feelings? Please share in the comments.

A Mind at a Time by Mel Levine

Feb 22, 2014

As I contemplated this review, I realized it could either be very long or very short.

If I went the long route, I would outline the structure of the book (Levine devotes a chapter to each of the mind's systems: attention control, memory, language, spatial and sequential ordering, motor, higher thinking, and social thinking), share some of my favorite quotes, and discuss the surprising discoveries of strengths/weaknesses in myself and my children.

If I took the short route, then I would briefly write about what I liked/didn't like about the book and call it good.

Honestly, I invested so much time and mental energy in reading and trying to apply this book that I think my original enthusiasm slowly drained, and I don't have much left in me to write a thorough review.

So the short route it is.

I know I'm making it sound like I didn't like the book. In fact, I liked it very much. But I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it's a dense, technical book. Levine shares many personal examples from his practice, but he also uses a lot of classifications and scientific terms (many of them made up by himself for his own use) that really made this feel like an academic read. When I finally finished it, I felt some of the elation, but also some of the exhaustion, I used to feel after finishing a college course.

There was so much information to consume and digest and process and apply. In many ways, it was too much information. My brain couldn't retain it all. (I'm really grateful we read it for my education group so that I could at least discuss it with someone else.) After watching a 20-minute TED talk this afternoon, I sadly realized that I probably will remember more from that one talk than my 4+ months of reading this book.

That said, I thought Levine was a good teacher. He explained every concept thoroughly and with tangible examples. I admired his dedication to the needs of all children and appreciated the way he acknowledged that every child has weaknesses and strengths. I think this will be a great resource as my children grow up and their learning styles evolve (which, Levine points out, often happens--a child might originally show strength in a certain area, but then when he gets into the upper grades and has to apply more higher thinking, he might unexpectedly begin to flounder).

Obviously, you can tell from this short review that this is not going to be a book I recommend to everyone. However, I really am glad I persevered and finished it, and I wish it was required reading for every teacher . . . I think we teach too much to a pre-designed, unwavering formula, and it just doesn't work for the wide variety of children's personalities, temperaments, and learning styles.

Okay, I can't resist. I'll leave you with just one quote: "...I deal with this issue of fairness all the time, but I believe fervently that to treat all children the same way is to treat them unequally. Different kids have different learning needs; they have a right to have their needs met."

One Page at a Time

Jan 17, 2014

Since the first of the year, my reading has slowed down significantly. I am trying to get through the rest of A Mind at a Time before my education group meets at the end of this month.


It is a great book, and I have learned so much from it, but it is a tedious read. I have been slowly inching my way through the pages. I've set a goal to read at least 5-10 pages daily so I'll be done in time, but even that sometimes seems overly ambitious.

Even though Dr. Levine shares many stories, the writing is also somewhat dense and technical. It's taking a lot of my brain power and concentration, which means it's not something I can usually read at night (when I'm super tired) or during the day (when I have kids distracting me). That is why it sometimes seems impossible to squeeze in even five pages of reading.

I'm anxious to finish though because I have several other books that I want to read. One of them is The Forgotten Garden. I've read all of twenty pages so far, and I know if I read anymore, I will get sucked in, and it will be good-bye to A Mind at a Time.

I've mentioned before that one of the reasons I read is to learn new things. So even when a book is a mite tedious, like this one, I force myself to continue because I can see the evidence of it enriching my life and stretching my mind. It is really rewarding to read a book where the pages don't slip effortlessly away and where I have to employ my mind to thinking and learning and understanding.

What about you? Do you sometimes force yourself to read denser books for the sake of learning, or do you strictly reserve reading as a form of escape?

And now, enough chit chat. It's nearly bedtime, and I've only read one page so far today!

Calm and Compassionate Children by Susan Usha Dermond

Sep 30, 2013

Sometimes I fall into the trap of labeling my children: I tell people that Aaron is shy, Maxwell is imaginative, and Bradley is aggressive. I always feel a little guilty when I do this because one of the main points that stuck with me after reading ScreamFree Parenting was that labels (even positive ones) can have a detrimental effect on children.

Plus, my overarching, all-encompassing labels usually come back to bite me.

Case in point: Maxwell. I've always claimed that he is my kindest, most generous, most naturally compassionate child. While Aaron is kind because he knows he is supposed to be, Maxwell is kind out of the true goodness of his heart.

Or so I said.

Whether he heard me touting his virtues and decided to prove me wrong or is just going through a new stage and testing his boundaries a little, his recent actions have suddenly made a turn in the unkind (you might label it "mean") direction. While I am hopeful that, at three years old, most of his actions and words are innocent reactions and observations, I still wonder where my kind and compassionate little boy went. I've realized that, as a parent, I do have a certain responsibility to see that he understands the divide between kind and unkind words and to help him feel empathy and love towards the people around him.

So when my education group decided to read Calm and Compassionate Children for September, I thought they couldn't have picked a better month for it.

It's written by Susan Dermond, a teacher and the founder of the Living Wisdom School in Portland, Oregon (a private school that emphasizes virtues and morals and, quite appropriately, kindness). Much of the book is based on her experiences in the school setting, as well as her personal experiences as a step-mom and collected stories from other moms and caretakers.

The book is divided into three sections. The first two are very hands-on and discuss influences within and without the body that contribute to a child's sense of self and ability to reach out to others. Each chapter ends with a list of practical suggestions for application. The third section is mostly about things in the environment beyond our control and how best to help children cope when they are in a less-than-ideal setting.

Overall, I found the suggestions in the book quite helpful. Most of them were not earth-shattering but rather good reminders or new ways to think about something.

For example, I loved the chapter on music. Music has always been an important part of my life, but I've realized recently that I have not made it as much a part of my children's lives as I intended to when I was still single and childless and thinking about my future family. I believe that music has the power to change or influence our moods, but I haven't used that knowledge very much to help my own family. In this chapter, she talked about how music can be used to calm us down or (using different music) energize us.

I noticed this energizing effect a few weeks ago when I was trying to get the boys to pick up the playroom (always an arduous task). I hadn't read this book yet, but I love to listen to music while I clean, so I thought the boys might want to, too. I put on some children's songs I had from the library, and the transformation in my kids was immediate. They began picking up while singing and dancing, and the entire playroom was cleaned up in a matter of minutes.

So when I began reading this chapter, all the behaviors I had recently observed in my kids were confirmed. While I had already seen the energizing effect music had on my family, I hadn't used music as much to try to calm them down. I checked out a couple of her relaxing music suggestions, and I have used those at times when my kids are wired and crazy. I haven't noticed that music calms them down as quickly as it picks them up, but I am willing to keep trying.

Music has once more gained a prominent position in our home, and we are seeing positive results all around. I used to always just listen to the radio in the car, but now I let them choose what we listen to. It keeps them happy for hours, and we haven't had to rely on the DVD player like we used to on longer trips. I've also noticed that if they're fighting or bothering each other, all I have to say is, "Would you like to listen to some music in your room?" and it instantly restores the good feelings we want to have in our home (at least for a few minutes). And, I've also been letting them listen to music at night as they go to sleep, which has definitely helped them calm down and (in the case of Maxwell) stay in their beds.

In contrast, I actually didn't love the chapter on books and reading as much as I expected to. Perhaps it's because reading is already a very well-established tradition in our home, so I didn't pick up anything new to try and implement. Usually though, I like reading about the importance of reading (remember how much I loved Raising a Reader?) because it helps me feel like I'm doing at least one good thing as a parent. In this case, I think my lukewarm feelings in this chapter stemmed from the fact that I was just not that impressed with her book suggestions. She gave relatively few, so I assumed that she saved her very favorites for the list, but they didn't seem that stellar to me. (However, I haven't read some of them, so I will reserve judgement on this matter until I can speak from experience. Anyone have any opinions on Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher?)

In addition to these two chapters, here are a few more points that made me think:
  • "Daily exercise is vital for children to achieve the state of calm stillness. Think of exercise as the inhalation and calm stillness as the exhalation...Lots of movement is essential for a child's emotional health and physical and mental calmness." I see this with my piano students every week: some of them are fine sitting for the entire lesson; others literally need to be moving every few minutes. Reading this chapter has made me more aware of this need for movement and more willing to follow my students' leads for what they need. In the book, she calls these short spurts of physical activity "movement breaks."
  • "It is so easy to disempower children when we are teaching them right from wrong; for example, when we force them to apologize for something when they are still feeling resentful and not at all apologetic. This takes away from them the opportunity to practice apologizing sincerely out of a feeling of regret." I have maybe thought about this paragraph more than any other single paragraph in the book. At first, it was like a revelation to me . . . it sounded so true. But then, I started to look at it differently, and now I'm not at all sure I agree with that statement. For older children, yes. But for my 5, 3, and 2-year-olds? If I wait for them to feel sorry, the moment will be past, and they will completely forget what it was they were supposed to feel sorry about. They will have no experience apologizing and making restitution. I well remember a little boy I knew whose parents rarely insisted that he apologize. Consequently, he just never thought he was in the wrong and didn't learn to make things right. Anyone have any personal thoughts on this? I am fine with letting my kids wait a little while before they apologize but not if they're just going to begin another activity and forget about their behavior.
  • "So often when children are unruly or uncooperative, we correct them verbally; we lecture them; we explain why. And really what is needed is a hug! A little human contact, love, and understanding can often help us release the tension we're holding and relax into peace." I have noticed this with my kids, especially Aaron. If he is melting down and out of control, putting my arms around him and holding him close does wonders for his ability to calm down.
  • At the end of the book, there was a "Calm and Compassionate Self-Inventory" quiz for parents. I took it, and I could immediately see where my weakness was: "I practice patience, deep breathing, and lovingness as I wait for my children to get out of the car, walk up and down steps, or tell me a lengthy story about what happened." Oh, dear. I had to answer the question honestly, and the truth is that I have a very, very difficult time being patient in moments like those. So, something to work on.
The book does have a slight hippy-undertone, as this example demonstrates: "The day of our trip we talked about what it might be like to see so many ladybugs in one place; the class was very excited about it. I led a visualization asking them to close their eyes and imagine the ladybugs, sending them love and blessing any we might accidentally step on." I do believe there is great strength in positive thinking, but sometimes I read some of her statements with a bit of a skeptical smile.

If you feel like you could use a little more compassion in your house, this might be the perfect little reminder for you. It is a short, fast read and makes for a great discussion between husband and wife or among friends. I'm really very glad I took the time to read it.

Review x 2: Free Range Learning & Last Child in the Woods

Jul 31, 2013

I decided to review these books together for a number of reasons:
  1. I finished both of them within days of each other.
  2. I read both of them for my education principles group.
  3. Free Range Learning quotes Last Child in the Woods.
  4. Their contents overlap somewhat.
  5. I'm behind on my reviews.
  6. I breathed identical sighs of relief when I was finally finished with each one.

Free Range Learning: How Homeschooling Changes Everything by Laura Grace Weldon

My education principles group includes a pretty even mix of homeschoolers and public/private-schoolers. Our discussions are very well-rounded and inclusive, and it is actually one of the few places where I don't feel like I have to defend or explain any of my parenting/educational/family decisions. It has filled up a part of my life that used to feel like an insecure and puzzling hole. It was truly a tender mercy to find this group.

We try to select a variety of educational titles, but I've noticed that we tend to lean in the homeschooling direction. I am not at all opposed to this, having been homeschooled myself and contemplated homeschooling many times. In fact, I am continually amazed with how a book that is blatantly pro-homeschooling (as this book was) can be so applicable to the population at large.

Free Range Learning makes no apologies for insisting that homeschooling is the best and most ideal method of education for all children. Early in the book, Weldon shared a story from the mom of Jerod, a bright and inquisitive little boy who had a lot of energy and a lot of questions. His experience in public school was unsuccessful from the beginning. His teachers didn't know what to do with all his ideas nor how to keep him entertained and learning for the entire day. His parents eventually started homeschooling him, and his mom later said, "I understand that it would be too hard to have this much learning energy in a classroom. To have twenty-five or more Jerods in one room would be impossible without limiting them somehow."

I have thought about this quote again and again and again. I think it really highlights the differences between public school and homeschooling, and I have come to accept that there is a marked and unchangeable difference. Public school will never be able to individualize education at the same level that homeschooling can. And so if you want that sort of individual attention, you have to homeschool.

And yet, even though I have no immediate plans to homeschool, this book empowered and inspired me. There is so much I can do to guide Aaron's education and love of learning even when he will be spending part of his day learning with the masses.

The book is divided into two parts. The first is mainly a discussion of learning while the second gives resources and ideas for a whole host of subjects from science to history to physical education.

I really enjoyed the first half, particularly chapters 1-3, and that is where most of my inspiration came from. I recognized the importance of letting my children play on their own and be masters of their own education. I've been trying to pay better attention to what they're interested in and provide opportunities for them to run with that interest as much as they want to.

The second half is jam-packed with resources, but (how shall I say this?) I found this section to showcase homeschooling's weirder side (and I say that as affectionately as possible). I didn't look up every single website and book mentioned, but I did investigate the ones that piqued my interest, and most of them were outdated or poorly designed or dealt with the strangest and most unusual subjects. Many of the suggestions within the chapter were also a little non-conformist and unique. In addition, the benefits of video games were lauded about ten too many times for my taste and severely damaged the credibility of the rest of the book for me.

I liked it, and I would recommend some sections of it to others, but to read the entire book was both tedious and time-consuming (I've only been reading it since March). The size of the pages made it feel much longer than 275 pages. Hence, the sigh of relief when it was finished.


Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv

I was excited to dive into this book since, besides seeing it referenced in Free Range Learning, I had heard about it from numerous sources.

The basic premise is that nature is, sadly and frighteningly, becoming a thing of the past. We are gradually removing our children from the outdoors or giving them man-made, artificial nature experiences. Not only are we losing our connection with the land, but it is contributing to distressing consequences such as ADHD, environmental problems, and a loss of many beautiful places.

As I listened to this book, I couldn't help but think about my own experiences with nature. Growing up in a rural part of Colorado meant that I was fortunate to spend lots of times in wide (and wild) open spaces. Even though we lived "in town," there were many vacant lots (which receive an inordinate amount of praise in the book). I spent a great deal of time in the little grove of olive and plum trees that ran alongside our house. A wilder place I never saw. It belonged to our neighbors, but they never mowed or pruned or trimmed anything, so it was a perfect hideout and escape.

As a child, I never realized what an extreme privilege it was to be able to hop on my bike and ride anywhere I wanted, but now, knowing that my own children are not going to have the same opportunity, I'm seeing it for the blessing it was.

The book is filled with many personal stories from Louv's own life and the lives of his acquaintances. If I only remember one of those stories, I hope it's the one from the mom who always told her daughter to "Pay Attention" rather than to "Be Careful." I know I tend to lean in the overly cautious and protective direction, but I want my children to feel confident and content in nature, and I think if I changed this one phrase in my vocabulary, it would help them develop the right sort of caution and avoid the debilitating kind.

This should have been a book that I liked, but for some reason I really had to grit my teeth and muscle my way through it. I don't know if maybe it just wasn't the right time to read it (perhaps it was following too close on the heels of other similar books) or if it felt too repetitive or, as someone in our discussion said, "verbose." Whatever the case, it was not an easy, nor very enjoyable, read. In fact, if I hadn't been listening to it on double speed, I probably wouldn't have made it through the entire thing.

Speaking of double speed, here was a case where I was extremely grateful I recently made the transition to listening to books at a faster speed. You would not believe how slowly this narrator (Jonathan Hogan) spoke. Sometimes I'd start listening and have to make sure I actually had it playing twice as fast because it sounded so normal. Then I would switch it back to real time for just a moment so that I could be amazed that anyone would actually listen to it at that pace (which, sadly, would have been me a few weeks ago). I wish I knew how to put up an audio clip of it just so that you could be amazed too.

Honestly, my favorite part of the book may have been when the Conference Center here in Salt Lake City got a shout-out as being an environmentally friendly building because it has a green roof. And my least favorite part of the book? All of the fishing stories. I can tell that Louv loves fishing, so I'm sure it's only natural that he would use fishing as a frequent example. But for someone who doesn't love fishing, it was a little much.

I really am grateful to have read both of these books. I gleaned a lot of great ideas that became more firmly lodged in place as I discussed them with the other women in my education principles group. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I am both relieved and happy that I now get to move onto other books!

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men by Leonard Sax

Apr 20, 2013

When I first met Mike (9+ years ago in the JSB), he had three nephews: James, Steven, and Sam. They were adorable. I remember James' clear, intelligent way of speaking, Steven's never-ending number of facts, and Sam's sweet, easy-to-love face. At the time, it never struck me as unusual that Mike had only nephews. Probably because it wasn't unusual. Many families have three nephews and no nieces.

But now, almost a decade later, that number has grown substantially. Now there are nineteen boys countered by only two girls. That's a little more unusual.

Three of those boys are mine, of course. So I think it's only natural that I would be interested in a book about some of the problems facing boys today--not only because I have three of my own but also because, from the looks of things, unless the stars change their alignment, boys are all I'll have in the future, too. (And that's fine with me--spending all my time around boys has made me become fiercely attached to them...)

And I'll tell you what, you can't spend the majority of your day around boys and not realize that some frightening trends have taken shape over the last thirty years.

I read this book for several reasons: I'm worried about my own sons growing up in a world of poor role models and dangerous hobbies and wanted some ideas for how to combat these growing problems; I wanted to better understand and help the boys I work with on a weekly basis (through church, piano lessons, and preschool); and last, my sister-in-law insisted it was a book I needed to read, and I have never regretted any of her recommendations.

I'm sure all of you know at least one boy who fits at least some of these characteristics: hates school, unmotivated, not interested in the world around him, refuses to work, receives no pride or pleasure in a job well done, lives in a virtual fantasy world, and/or has no goals or aspirations for life. Dr. Sax describes several such boys in the opening chapter of Boys Adrift.

He then introduces and expounds on the five factors he believes are driving this "growing epidemic": Changes at school, video games, medications for ADHD, endocrine disruptors, and lack of positive role models.

First, changes at school. By this, he means the way schools have evolved over the last 30+ years to be more accessible to girls than boys: kindergartners are now being taught the same curriculum as first graders from several decades ago, the structure has become much more rigid and stationary and less hands-on and interactive, and most of the competitive elements are gone. I found it so interesting that he never once mentioned homeschooling in this section, which I personally think would solve most of the education problems he mentioned. Instead, he advocated all-boy private schools, which, I have no doubt, probably do exhibit some major advantages but which also, let's face it, are probably not a viable option for most of us. This section definitely made me rethink a lot of things, including the way I teach piano to several of my boy students.

Second, video games. I'm about as opposed to video games as you can get, and this section only added fuel to my fire. He said that video games cause boys to disengage from the real world--neglecting experiential play in favor of virtual success and power. Video games are addictive and a time-waster. Plus, scientists have found that playing video games turns off blood flow to the DLPFC (dorsolateral prefrontal cortex), which subsequently interferes with the nucleus accumbens, the part of the brain in charge of drive and motivation. So it seems video games actually do make boys more lazy. I'm glad that, at this point, our family has been able to avoid video and computer games. Mike used to have a few games on his iPod, too, but he has since deleted all of them. We do have a TV (which I have a love/hate relationship with), so I'm glad video games are one daily battle I don't have to face.

Third, ADHD medications. This chapter was fascinating and, at the same time, terrifying. It literally made me feel sick. I really do believe that, like Dr. Sax suggested, ADHD is mis-diagnosed and over-medicated. He mentioned that currently the common course of action with a boy who exhibits some indicators of ADHD is to try a low dose of medication and see if it helps. If it does help, then he must have ADHD. But the problem is, and Dr. Sax cited a study to prove it, when people without ADHD are given an ADHD medication, they exhibit the same kind of improvements as people who are diagnosed with ADHD. So there are many boys who get put on medication in kindergarten because they can't sit still, but what would have really helped them is just holding them back a year and then enrolling them in a school with lots of hands-on activities. Once they're on medication, it interferes with the nucleus accumbens (like video games) and makes it very difficult to later take them off the medication because of the changes that have happened in the brain. Dr. Sax is not saying that ADHD is not a real diagnosis, but he does present a very convincing argument that far more boys are diagnosed with it than actually have it.

Fourth, endocrine disruptors. This is another scary one, and one that I feel like I have less control over. Sure, I can put a ban on video games and avoid ADHD medication, but how do I live in this world of plastics and chemicals and pollution and keep them safe from endocrine disruptors? Endocrine disruptors are the chemicals in plastic water bottles like bisphenol A or phthalates that "accelerate puberty in girls" and "delay or disrupt the process of puberty in boys." There is also growing evidence that they may be a cause of ADHD.

Fifth, lack of positive role models. Dr. Sax says that all enduring cultures have one thing in common: men teach boys how to be men. Our culture is straying away from this. Boys are learning how to be men from television or video games but not from their own fathers or other mentors. I think this is one of the reasons I have banned most superheroes from our house: they are not providing the kind of positive role models I want for my boys.

After expounding on the first four factors, Dr. Sax described a phenomenon he called "Failure to Launch," which basically refers to men who can't make it on their own; they live with their parents, they work a few hours a week, they have no interest in relationships. Dr. Sax shared a letter from a successful man who said he was "only a marital separation away" from living such a life. He said he would need very little to be satisfied in life but that he worked hard in order to provide a nice life for his family. He said, "Take my dear ones away and I need none of it." After I read this letter, I asked Mike if he thought it described him--not that he would be a bum on the streets if he didn't have a family but just if it's his family that provides him with the drive he needs to succeed. He said that the few times the boys and I have visited my parents without him (usually because he has a lot of work to do), he lives a very simple life: he eats cereal and frozen pizza and spends the majority of his time away from home (whereas when we are here, he can hardly wait to come home so he can play with the boys). I just think it's so interesting that so many men today are choosing not to get married or have a family, and that it could be those very things that would help them have the motivation to be successful.

Incidentally, after I started this book, I told Mike he really needed to read it, too. So he also listened to the whole thing, and it was so nice to have someone to discuss it with, especially the someone who is also responsible for raising our three sons.

I am convinced that this is a book every person should read: single, married, parents, everyone. I know that sounds really over-arching, but I can't think of a single person who wouldn't benefit from reading this: maybe you're a teacher with a classroom full of boys taking Ritalin, or maybe you're dating a guy who can't decide on a career, or maybe you are that guy who wants to live in his parents' basement forever, or maybe you help with Cub Scouts at church, or maybe you have a little neighbor boy who drives you crazy...we all interact with boys/men on some level, and I really believe that reading this book would help all of us identify problems and figure out solutions that would help curb this epidemic of "unmotivated boys and underachieving young men."

P.S. This is also another candidate for my re-read of the year. Now if I can only convince one of my book clubs to read it...

Learning All the Time by John Holt

Feb 22, 2013

At my last education group meeting, we discussed which education text we should read next. Since we had just finished A Thomas Jefferson Education, some wanted to read Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning, which is also by Oliver DeMille and details the hands-on application of A Thomas Jefferson Education. Some wanted to leave DeMille for a time in favor of Susan Wise Bauer's The Well-Trained Mind. Still others thought we should read something by John Holt, the father of "unschooling."

I, personally, had no opinion. But I guess it's obvious from the title of this post (and the large picture to the left) that we went with John Holt.

Oh boy. Turns out that during the reading of this book, that "no opinion" I just mentioned turned into a mammoth-sized one.

But first, here is a very calm, unbiased, monotonous synopsis of the book: John Holt was an educator. He taught in the public school system for many years, all the time gathering research and evidence for how children learn while at the same time growing more and more dissatisfied with the way children were being forced to take in information in a cut-and-dry, conveyor-belt-type way. Holt left professional teaching and began speaking, mentoring, advising, and writing books on the natural way to educate children. Learning All the Time was published in 1989, four years after his death, and in many ways, it seems like he took thoughts and ideas from all of his other books and connected them together to create this one. In it, he discusses how children, from very young on up, are "natural learners." They are able to gather information and piece it together and explore and discover new ideas with little to no help from adults. Holt says that usually parents and teachers merely get in the way and hinder this natural process of learning.

I think it is only fair to be completely honest from the beginning: I did not like this book. I found much to agree with and implement, and I was enlightened by the parts I disagreed with, but I repeat: I did not like this book. John Holt's style was rude, mocking, bitter, and condescending, and I could not abide it.

When I read A Thomas Jefferson Education, I could appreciate Oliver DeMille's criticisms of the current model for public education. He wrote in a respectful, intelligent way and allowed that, while somewhat improbable, there was hope for change and improvement in the area of public education. John Holt, on the other hand, mercilessly bashed public schools (and teachers), and as I'm writing this, I'm racking my brain, trying to remember if he said one positive thing in that direction. I honestly don't recall any.

So when I say I did not like this book, I'm literally referring to the words on the printed page and the writing style and not to the overall ideas and principles.

For instance, John Holt often used a mocking tone when describing education methods in public schools. The first chapter was about reading and writing, which immediately had me on the defensive. Holt strongly discourages sitting down with your child and teaching them sounds and letter combinations, and you might remember that last year, I taught Aaron how to read by...um...sitting down with him and teaching him sounds and letter combinations. But personal offense aside, it was the way he said things that really put me on edge. At one point, he quoted the rule, "When two vowels go walking, the first one does the talking" and then followed that with, "Typical of the cutesy-wootsy way in which schools talk to young children." Later in the same paragraph he said that many  thoughtful and intelligent children might be confused by "this dumb sentence on the wall." I felt like many times, instead of making a well-founded argument, he just fell to mocking statements such as these.

In a similar vein, when he wasn't mocking the school system, he was sensationalizing it. That is the only word I can think of to describe his broad, overarching, and sometimes terrifying and ludicrous statements. For example, at one point he talked about how children often feel threatened in school: they are worried that if they "fail to accomplish [something], [they] stand a good risk of being shamed or even physically beaten" (my emphasis).To me, the only reason to bring up physical beatings is to sensationalize the corruption and wickedness of public education. It seems he was trying to appeal to that mother bear instinct: to think of a child being beaten because he didn't accomplish something immediately sends up a wave of anger and indignation. (I, on the other hand, merely laughed, read the passage aloud to Mike, and read the rest of the book with a wary eye for other similar statements.)

I also felt like he spent a great deal of the book contradicting himself. He was very adamant that children shouldn't be forced to learn and should be allowed to discover the world and draw their own conclusions at their own pace. He suggested having reading material freely available to children so that they could peruse it as they chose. His list of approved reading material included "the large-print edition of the New York Times," "road maps, ticket stubs, copies of letters, political posters, bills, various kinds of official forms, copies of bank statements, copies of instruction manuals from various machines, copies of contracts, warranties," and "classified-ad telephone books." This list strikes me as odd, not only because I can think of far more interesting things to read than bank statements and warranties, but also because on one side, Holt seems to be saying, "Let kids be kids," and on the other side, "Treat them as adults." I think kids do have a natural fascination with grown-up things (which I think, in part, was what Holt was trying to say), but at the same time, I didn't agree with the notion that we should fill their lives with adult problems, material, and situations.

Holt made a lot of definitive statements, and yet, most of his "evidence" was confined to personal anecdotes. For example, in his chapter about music, Holt declared that the idea, "if you don't start early [learning to play an instrument], it's too late" was "a piece of musical folklore." As proof, he cited his own experience with learning to play the cello at the age of 40. I am not disagreeing with his statement that adults have the ability to continue to learn new things (and even develop some real skill and talent); I am just hesitant to base all of my opinion and belief on the experience of one 40-year-old man. In the same chapter, he spent a fair amount of pages discussing the merits of the Suzuki method while at the same time acknowledging that his knowledge of the course was very limited, leading me to wonder why he decided to discuss it in some depth at all. I love it when authors include stories to support their theories or to show how something applies in real life. What I don't like is when the story or the something they've merely heard about forms the basis of their argument and the bulk of their evidence.

And finally, as long as we're counting anecdotal experiences as solid evidence, in my experience, I found many of his statements to be false. For example, going back to the chapter on reading, he said that the problem with teaching children specific sounds associated with letters is that only six or seven of the consonants can be said all by themselves. He claimed that you cannot say the sounds that "b" or "d" or "p" make. But if that is the case, I would like to know what it sounded like when he said the word "club" or "lid" or "mop." I loved the reading method I used to teach Aaron, and one of the things the authors really stressed was making the correct sound for each letter, but they did believe that an actual sound could be made for each one. As far as those tricky b's and d's are concerned, you were supposed to be careful not to attach a vowel to the end of it, like "buh" or "dih," but simply say it as you would at the end of the word. And any time it came at the beginning or in the middle of the word, you said it with the vowel that followed it, as in "baaaaa-d" because if you isolated it, even if you didn't attach an extra sound to it, it still disrupted the flow of the word. It was difficult for me to trust what Holt said when I found that some of his information was false.

All of this said, I did agree with the basic premise of the book, which was that children are amazing, natural learners and come equipped to figure things out by themselves. I agree that children will learn an idea more quickly and thoroughly when they are in control of it. I actually loved some of his suggestions (such as using a child's own misspelled words for a spelling list instead of a list of randomly selected words or teaching a child to count by moving the items from one pile to a new one, saying, "Now we have one, now we have two" instead of just pointing and counting). I think the fact that I agreed with so much of the book made the negative tone of the book that much harder to endure. The book had so much potential but was executed poorly.

Near the end of the book, Holt said something that made me realize why, even when I don't like a book, I love reading anything that makes me think or defend my ideas or make the difficult decision to make some changes. He said, "Many people, in order to protect the integrity of their rather simple mental model, in order to save themselves the pain of having to rethink things they thought they understood, react to any experiences that do not conform with what they think they already know, do not fit neatly into the already existing mental model, rejecting these experiences." I realize that some of my response to this book was probably because, as Holt said, I'm trying to save myself the pain of having to rethink things I though I already understood. But at the same time, I feel like I am trying to keep an open mind by reading books like this, writing about them, and discussing them. As I do this, my ideas evolve and change, and I discover what will be best for my family.

A Thomas Jefferson Education: Teaching a Generation of Leaders For the Twenty-First Century by Oliver DeMille

Jan 22, 2013

A good friend of mine told me about A Thomas Jefferson Education almost a year ago. At the time, it interested me because education always interests me, but I didn't rush out to read it. But then, another friend told me about an "Education Principles Group" her sister-in-law had just started. And what was their first reading to be? A Thomas Jefferson Education. I jumped at the chance because I always get more out of somewhat dense and heavy texts if I have someone to discuss it with.

I guess that means I just called A Thomas Jefferson Education "a dense and heavy text," which it kind of is but also kind of is not. It is because it discusses ideas that, in order to really understand, you have to think about, ponder, discuss with others, and then think about some more. I have a feeling I barely scratched the surface with this reading. However, on the other hand, it isn't "dense or heavy" in the sense that it uses a lot of difficult words or complex sentences. It's written in plain, pretty simple, English.

And just what is "A Thomas Jefferson Education"? It's education that is guided by mentors and the classics but which places the responsibility for learning squarely on the shoulders of the student. It is returning to the same kind of education received by our forefathers (hence, the name "A Thomas Jefferson Education"). It is the kind of education that will produce great leaders.

And who is learning the TJEd way? Oliver DeMille says it would be wonderful and ideal if everyone was learning this way (and he claims that it is possible in a public school setting), but really, it's most often implemented through home schools. However, I think you'll notice every time that those who are truly successful and become great and influential leaders were heavily influenced by one or more mentors and the classics (classics not just reserved for literature but meaning the classics that are found in every subject), regardless of what their formal schooling was actually like.

I think it's definitely possible to take any education and turn it into a TJEd. Parents guide and direct the education of their children in all settings, but obviously if they're going to public school, they're away for seven or more hours a day, and so that doesn't leave very much time to learn from mentors and the classics unless they're getting that in school.

I thought DeMille made an interesting point in the book when he said this: "In the history of education, the current American system is very non-traditional, very different from what has been done for generations. Almost everybody in America today is getting the kind of education that has historically been reserved for those who simply had no other options." (pp. 26-27) If you look at the past, those who were well enough off went to a private school or engaged a private tutor. It was only those who couldn't afford better that went to public schools. While I think this is interesting to note, I'm not completely sure I agree with it. I know there are many flaws in our current education model, but I also know that there is much to be gained from studying and learning together not just alone or with an elitist group.

Which is not necessarily what Oliver DeMille is even saying. Later on in the book, he discusses the "Five Pillars of Statesmanship," as he calls them. And two of these ("simulations" and "field experience") both involve working with other people. Also, he frequently states the "Five Environments of Mentoring," which includes group discussion.

(See what I mean? Even trying to write a review of this book is difficult because there are so many competing ideas and avenues of thought.)

DeMille frequently refers to the "conveyor belt" method of education, which seems to be the standard method in most public schools. DeMille explains it this way: the "...standards and grade levels are set at a low enough level that virtually everyone can get through and be a finished product. What happens if you try to get ahead? A factory worker moves you back into place. What if you get behind? A 'special' worker pulls you up to speed." (p. 25) DeMille says we use this type of method because it is moderately successful in training the future workforce of America, but it is not successful in training future leaders.

Let me try to sum up some of my thoughts with a series of questions and answers:

Q: Do I agree with a TJEd?
A: Yes. I believe that mentors and the classics are essential to a good education. I also believe that teachers inspire students to learn on their own. No teachers actually teach.

Q: Do I disagree with a TJEd?
A: Yes. I think in a lot of ways DeMille idealizes the education of the founding fathers. But then, I also realize I have a lot of my own reading and studying to do, so I can't offer a very solid opinion on this yet.

Q: Will I use the TJEd model in my own home?
A: Yes, of course! Mentors and classics are essential. We are already employing them as much as we can with our young children.

Q: So if I homeschool, will I use a TJEd?
A: Yes, to the extent I stated above, but no, I will not structure it as DeMille suggests. He talks about the four phases of learning. The first phase (the Core Phase, encompassing the years 0-8) involves a lot of free play and exploring learning in a very unstructured way. Even the next phase (the Love of Learning Phase, encompassing ages 8-12) is still very much child-guided as they choose what to learn about and what interests them. In this way, this method reminds me a lot of what I've heard about "unschooling." (I've also heard those who are familiar with both adamantly refute that they are not the same, so again, I need to do more research and studying.) This unstructured type of learning is not the way that I learn best, and so I don't think I could guide my children very well using this type of method either. (But I would never say "never" because I have no idea what growth and change might happen over the next ten years that might make me change my mind.)

Q: So will I homeschool?
A: At the current time, no (meaning in the formal sense and not that there will not be any learning going on in our home. Far from it!). But in the future? Possibly. Right now, I'm quite happy and content with the thought of Aaron going to public school. But I'm still exploring my options.

A Thomas Jefferson Education is worth your time no matter what your thoughts on education are. I guarantee you'll find something to like and dislike. And you might even discover some things you want to change in your current approach to education.

Reading With the Seasons: New Year's Edition

Jan 3, 2013



With all my fluffy reading in December, I always feel the need come January for something with a little more substance to it. Plus, the rushing desire for self-improvement hits me full-force. So I tend to gravitate towards books that will improve my parenting, cooking, cleaning, or organizational abilities. Also, books that will help me be more healthy--physically, mentally, or spiritually. And books that will stretch my brain and teach me new things.

With that introduction, here's the line-up for this month:

Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin
Ever since reading (and loving) The Happiness Project last year, I have been dying to read Gretchen Rubin's new book which came out last September. This one focuses more on being happier at home, finding joy and feeling satisfaction with the little things, which is exactly what I need right now. I started it last night and went to sleep with my head full of goals and lists and ambitions. It was great. (I just hope it doesn't drive me crazy that this time, she begins her project in September instead of January.)

A Thomas Jefferson Education: Teaching a Generation of Leaders For the Twenty-First Century by Oliver DeMille
As Aaron approaches Kindergarten, I find myself more and more caught up with the many questions that surround education. I have tried to keep an open mind as I have explored all my options: public school, private school, charter school, homeschool, as well as language immersion programs, gifted programs, accelerated programs, etc. In November, I was blessed to be introduced to an education group in my area, consisting of parents from all walks of life (many of them much more seasoned and experienced than me) with similar questions, seeking a variety of answers. Anyway, in November, we discussed the first half of this book. And now, at our January meeting, we will discuss the second half. I am so excited for this. This book provides a lot of personal insight, but it is so much more beneficial to be able to discuss it with other individuals.

The Evelyn Wood Seven-Day Speed Reading and Learning Program by Stanley D. Frank
Okay, I feel kind of cheesy putting up this title, but the truth is, I still really want to increase my reading speed. (See my previous post: Like a Tortoise With a Lame Foot.) My brother used this book in a speed reading class he took in college, so I feel like it's fairly legitimate. I'm not interested in the really fast skimming and layered reading because I still want reading to feel like leisure and a relaxing experience (although I think this type of reading would be great if I were still doing a lot of academic reading). I just want to increase my words-per-minute average.

Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman
My parenting tactics have become a bit stale. I feel like I'm not as focused or consistent with providing good discipline and education and love to my children as I have been in the past. This is not a parenting manual per se, more of a memoir, but I think it will be just the breath of fresh air I need.

I'm still reading The God Who Weeps by Terryl and Fiona Givens. It is truly excellent and has really rejuvenated me spiritually. Highly recommend.

And finally, in case I need a little break, I might listen to Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George. Doesn't that title just sound like a good one to read in January?

What about you? Do you have some books you're reading this month that will help you be a better you? Or just a good cozy, winterish read? Please share! (I really mean that. I know sometimes it's hard to break the comment barrier, but please do it! I want to hear your ideas!)

P.S. Do you like the picture at the top of this post? My brother, Gordy, took it. I'm kind of in love with it.
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