That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon's Perspective on Faith and Family by Tom Christofferson

Please note: this book (and consequently, this review) reflects some of my beliefs on a sensitive topic. I know not everyone will hold the same view, and that's okay. I believe that discussing different viewpoints in a mutually respectful way brings greater compassion and empathy. I was grateful for the way this book expanded my heart just a little bit more.

Tom Christofferson grew up as the youngest of five boys. His parents were devout members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and so was he. He had a strong testimony of the Gospel, served a faithful mission, and even got married in the temple. But he was also gay. And the more he tried to fit into this preconceived idea of a "good" member of the Church, the more it didn't work for him. He couldn't get the two sides of himself (his faith and his sexual identity) to line up, and eventually, he left the Church.

He stayed away from the Church for over twenty-five years. During that time, his mother and father and four older brothers remained a constant source of strength and support in his life. Even though the rest of the them stayed strong in their religious convictions and standards (his oldest brother, Todd, was even called as an Apostle), they didn't let that stop them from loving Tom unconditionally.

And eventually, he came back. This book describes that process, but it is also a reflection on how we can be inclusive of all of our brothers and sisters, regardless of their beliefs and actions, and it is also Tom's own opinions on how he now fits into the Church as someone who is still gay but also faithfully keeping his covenants.

I really loved Tom's warm and kind personality, which came through so beautifully in this book.  But I also loved the way he was so candid and honest with his experience. After he decided to make a full return to the Church, he broke off his relationship with his partner of more than twenty years. That was extremely difficult for him (understandably so!), and one friend asked him why he couldn't find a way to be with his partner again. Tom answered, "The way I feel now, the way I experience the influence of the Holy Ghost, is powerful and delicious to me, and I don't ever want to live without it again." I thought that was a really interesting perspective from someone who had always lived a good life with high standards but who saw a noticeable difference in his ability to feel the Spirit when he resumed keeping the commandments. I know that this idea will be hard for some outside of my faith to understand and that Tom's decision might even rub them the wrong way. It might seem unfair or even wrong for Tom to have to hold back one part of himself in order to gain something else.

But his example of moving forward with faith through the questions and the doubts inspired me. This quote is a long one, but I still want to include it here to help me remember it in the future:

"I draw a parallel between my situation and that of the people of King Benjamin, who lived 120 years before the Savior was born. As they listened to their prophet-king, and through the power of the Spirit, they were converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. They likely understood that Jesus embodied the higher law of the gospel, which would subsume and replace the law of Moses. And yet, for the rest of their lives, while being converted to Christ they continued to live the Mosaic law. I feel similarly, that more fulsome and more expansive ways to understand all our relationships and connections may be forthcoming, but meanwhile it is my determination to live the law I have.

Even though my challenges and questions may be different from Tom's, I have them just the same, and this is the kind of attitude and perspective I want to have--one of faith and trust: that God loves me perfectly and that His plan is grander and more expansive than my limited vision. There are many things that don't make sense to me, and sometimes these things pull me back and impede my progress because I don't know how to move forward without answers. But this is the answer: trust that there is more; trust that my knowledge isn't complete; trust that God loves all of His children.

Tom's mom seems like she must have been quite an amazing lady. When Tom was still just a baby, his mother was diagnosed with cancer. She underwent many radiation treatments, and one day, she said to her mother, "I can't stand having 16 more of those treatments." Her mother said, "Can you go today?" She replied, "Yes," and then her mother said, "Well, honey, that's all you have to do today." Tom applied that advice to his own life, and I like to think I can use it in my life as well. I just have to do the best that I can today. I don't have all of the answers, but I do have some answers, and so I can take one day at a time, trusting that with each step, I will gain a little more ground.

Tom quoted Joseph Smith, who said, "When you climb up a ladder, you must begin with the first, and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation. But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them. It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave." I liked the idea that this progression will continue beyond this life and into the next. Little by little, the picture will gradually become more complete.

I was so glad to have read this book. I'm sure it took a certain amount of courage and bravery for Tom to be vulnerable and write about his experiences, but I'm so grateful he did. I know I have room to be more inclusive and kind, and I am working on it. In a world where it is so easy to say the wrong thing or have it be interpreted the wrong way, this book gave me hope that reaching out in love and compassion is always the right answer.

The Gift of Giving Life by Felice Austin and other contributors

One of my reading goals for 2017 was to read two books about childbirth--a goal that was prompted by the forthcoming birth of our fifth boy (which hasn't happened yet but is literally down to the wire now). The first book I read was Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent, and upon finishing it, I declared it, "the most interesting, entertaining, and . . . helpful book on childbirth" I'd ever read.

I'll stand by that exuberant praise, but I'm now going to add this book right alongside it. It's different-- so different, amazingly different--from Baby Catcher, but it touched my heart in the profoundest of ways. Where Baby Catcher was entertaining and down-to-earth and at times even bizarre, The Gift of Giving Life was spiritual and reverent and breathtakingly tender. I definitely read these two books in the correct order: Baby Catcher pumped me up, and this one calmed me back down, and I feel like with those two opposite types of adrenaline coursing through me, I'm now ready to journey down this childbirth path again . . . and maybe do things a little differently this time.

Before I go any further, I should mention that this book is a compilation of essays and birth stories written by women of my faith, which is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and because of that, doctrines, beliefs, and spiritual truths specifically related to my faith are interwoven throughout the whole book. As such, it will not be for everyone, but it was definitely for me. I've never read a birthing book that combined the physical, tangible act of birth with the sacred, spiritual side of it, and it felt good and right.

Maybe it was especially good for me because I've struggled so much during this pregnancy with deciding if I should change course with this birth and get my very first epidural or stick with what has worked in the past and decline pain medication. Although this book definitely leaned toward natural labors and deliveries, the ultimate message was to trust your own instincts and the guidance and direction you receive, and with every story, I felt more empowered to do just that.

As I already mentioned, the book is a collection of essays and birth stories written by various women, and at first I thought I was just going to endure reading the essays in order to get back to what I really wanted--the birth stories (give me all the birth stories). But soon I came to really appreciate the essays; it's true, they lacked the drama and emotional intensity of some of the birth stories but were full of philosophical questions and observations instead that really made me think. However, I will say that one of the first essays, about Heavenly Mother, walked a little too close to the speculation line for my tastes, which I think was part of the reason for my initial lack of enthusiasm, but most of the essays were well-grounded in doctrinal truths and provided new insights for my personal growth. There were two essays in particular, "Two Veils" and "Birth in Remembrance of Him,"  that I loved so much, I'm planning to copy them before I return the book to the library.

In my faith, we believe receiving an earthly, physical body is a beautiful, wonderful thing and an essential part of our spiritual progression. But even though I've always believed that, it wasn't until I read this book that I really grasped the magnitude of my role in this vital part of the plan of salvation: As a mother, I'm the one who creates these bodies for my children. I sacrifice my own comfort and health in order to provide something that is absolutely necessary for them if they want to return to Heavenly Father.

One of the mothers in this book took this selfless act to an even deeper level and used pregnancy and childbirth as a type and symbol of the Savior's Atonement. She said:

"I think the most profound parallel to the Atonement that impressed itself upon me was not just suffering, but suffering for the sake of another. When I finally said, 'I will drink this bitter cup. I recognize that it cannot pass from me, and I will drink it to the dregs,' embedded in that comment was the realization that the purpose of this suffering had nothing to do with me. I knew that there was no benefit (beyond insight) that I could possibly derive from this experience. It would not make me healthier, it would not give me any skills, it would not lastingly affect my body in any positive way. But there was one entirely other person that would derive lasting and eternal benefit from my suffering: my child, . . . who was anxiously waiting to receive a body and come into this world. Someone had to do this so that he could receive a body, and he could not do it for himself."

Perhaps it seems a little presumptuous to draw comparisons between pregnancy/childbirth and Jesus Christ's perfect and eternal sacrifice, but it actually made the opposite impression on me. The Old Testament is full of symbols of the Atonement. In fact, the law of Moses was anchored in rituals that helped the Israelites turn their hearts to Jehovah and gradually increased their comprehension of what He would do for them, and it makes sense that we have the same privilege of deepening our understanding through our own experiences today.

Each of my children's births have been amazing, and I honestly have never felt closer to heaven than in those moments immediately after being handed my sweet little ones for the first time. And those moments have definitely provided my own unique insights into the sacrifices of my Savior on my behalf. But this book deepened my appreciation for other aspects of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood that I've never before considered, and that's why I said at the beginning that it profoundly changed me.

Another mom said,

"I always felt like I was in the Lord's hands as I labored. I never felt so close to Him as when I was depending on him for every breath I drew to maintain my breathing and focus on my laboring. As the miraculous moment arrived when the baby was born, I always felt like the Lord had mercy on his handmaid, and I basked in the glow of that moment when eternity and mortality are one."

It's so easy to complain during pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood (and believe me, I do more than my fair share of it), but the truths in this book allowed me to take a step back and look at my life through an eternal lens--one that made all of these sacrifices look small and easy to forgive compared to the life-changing blessings that are the eventual result. I'm not trying to downplay the sacrifices because I am seriously blown away by some of the things mothers endure for their children, but I think it's impossible to read this book and not come away feeling a little more grateful for the privilege of going through something (or, let's be honest, many things) for the sake of another. And then, if you let it, your thoughts will naturally turn to the One who made the most incomprehensible sacrifice of all and loves you and your child with the most perfect kind of love.

Who knew a book about childbirth would be the most beautiful and appropriate thing to read over Easter weekend?

Baptism is the Gate

Aaron recently celebrated his eighth birthday. We've been anticipating this birthday for a long time because it's a big one. In our church, we believe eight is when you reach the age of accountability (in other words, the ability to make good choices and take responsibility for your own actions) and are therefore ready to make the sacred covenants associated with the ordinance of baptism.

We've spent the last year, but especially the last six months, helping Aaron prepare for this important decision. We wanted to make sure he understood the eternal importance of the promises he'd be making. We've had many family home evening lessons on the subject, as well as some heart to heart chats (which, if you know Aaron, you can probably guess these were mostly one-sided), and Aaron has been more consistent lately with his personal prayers and scripture study.

Yesterday was the big day, and it came with mixed emotions from me. Of course I was so happy and so proud of him, but I also found myself feeling more hesitant than I was expecting, almost like I wasn't ready to let him take this leap. I guess I'm a little bit fearful of the increasingly significant decisions he'll be confronted with, the temptations he'll face, and yes, the mistakes he'll make. The stakes feel higher all of a sudden. His daily life is going to consist of more than just deciding which cereal to eat for breakfast.


But I keep thinking of the scripture in 2 Nephi 31 that says: "For the gate by which ye should enter is repentance and baptism by water; and then cometh a remission of your sins by fire and by the Holy Ghost. And then are ye in this strait and narrow path which leads to eternal life." What a beautiful, absolutely perfect analogy. Baptism is the gate, the first step on that path of everlasting joy. Mistakes? Yes, they'll come. It's part of the learning process. But there's repentance, and his claim on the Savior's atonement will never run dry. He can repent again and again and again (and most likely, he will). But now he'll also have the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide and direct and protect him. There's absolutely no need for me to be fearful because he's in better hands than he's ever been before.

If you had seen him yesterday at his baptism, you wouldn't have been able to tell how he was feeling. Aaron keeps his emotions locked up tight. He's calm and stoic, and he rarely smiles in a new situation. (He's the complete opposite of Max who, during the special musical number with all the children, was up on the stand doing crazy things with his eyes and making us all giggle irreverently.) But I know he was excited. And I know he was glad to have the support of so many family members. And I know he understood, at least on a small scale, the significance of his decision. It was more than just being immersed in the water by his dad. It was symbolic of the sacred covenants he was making with his Heavenly Father.

I took some pictures of him a few weeks before his baptism. I ended up only using one of them for the invitations we sent out, so I hope you'll indulge me if I put a few more of them up here.

 

 

Five Things I Started Doing in 2015 That Changed My Life For the Better

I wouldn't say 2015 was a groundbreaking year for me. It was a good (and, in other ways, a hard) year, but it wasn't one of those where I look back and think, Wow, what a crazy ride. I can't believe all that happened. Has it not even been a year since ______?

However, even without any monumental changes, there have been a few things I started doing consistently that now, stepping back, I can see that, even though they're small, they've blessed my life in a significant way. And let that be a lesson to me: small steps, consistently taken, sometimes have a bigger long-term impact than world-rocking ones (and, if I'm being honest, I actually prefer those types of changes as opposed to the ones that leave me reeling).

 
Listening to a Conference Talk Every Morning
Every April and October, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (of which I am a member) holds, what's known as, General Conference. Lasting for two days, it consists of four general sessions filled with dozens of talks from leaders in the Church. Those are some of my favorite days of the year. They're a time for me to be filled up spiritually, and I always come away with a stronger testimony and sense of purpose.

Around the time of last April's conference, I was trying to figure out how to give more priority to my spiritual life. I was reading my scriptures every day but usually that was happening at night and sometimes I could only get a few verses in before I fell asleep. I knew I really needed something at the beginning of the day to give it a boost and help me stay focused on the most important things. All of the conference talks are archived, and I decided to start listening to one talk every morning as I got ready for the day.

This has made a huge difference in my spiritual well-being. It hasn't replaced my daily scripture study but it's been a way for me to start the day off building my faith and thinking about my Savior, Jesus Christ, without having to find a quiet place to read my scriptures (which is pretty much impossible in the crazy chaos of the morning). Instead, I can just pull one up on my phone, put in my headphones, and listen while I'm making lunches or cleaning up the house or doing my hair. It was one of those habits that slid into my normal routine so easily that it was like it was meant to be there. (Two of the talks I've returned to the most from last conference have been Yielding Our Hearts to God by Neill F. Marriott and Faith is Not By Chance, but by Choice by Neil L. Andersen.)

Going on Weekly Dates
This has been something Mike and I have tried to do our whole married lives, but once we added children to the mix, it became much more difficult. Finding a babysitter stressed me out and often,  it felt easier to just stay home than try to coordinate all of the logistics to make an evening out happen. Plus, I harbored a little resentment because, when we did go out, I felt like I was the one who did the bulk of the planning, and it seemed like something we should both be invested in.

Then, early in the year, my sister-in-law, Sonja, mentioned that she and her husband were trying really hard to go on weekly dates. They traded off the planning every other month, and that sounded like a pretty awesome idea to me. I sold the idea to Mike as a competition (we would each take a month and keep track of the dates and whoever ended up planning the most dates would be the winner), but within just a couple of months, we stopped talking about the competition aspect of it. We were just having fun spending quality time together. Since we trade back and forth, I actually enjoy when it's my turn to do the planning because I get to do things that are fun for me, and when it's Mike's month, I relish not planning anything while knowing the dates will still happen.

Doing it this way has also helped us branch out from the standard "go out for dinner" or "stay home and watch a movie" dates we were used to. In the past year, we've gone to an art exhibit, been on a couple of hikes, gone to concerts and plays, and even done a room escape mystery.

Also, over the last nine months, we've discovered that we love middle-of-the-week, middle-of-the-day dates. They feel so indulgent.

Making lunches for the boys
A few months ago, Janssen mentioned that she was packing lunches for both of her older girls, even though only one of them is in school (an idea she got from Miranda). When I read her post, I had one of those lightning bolt moments Gretchen Rubin talks about. What a genius idea, and why had I not been doing such a thing all along? I was making a lunch for Aaron every morning anyway so it wouldn't be that difficult to just pack lunches for Maxwell and Bradley at the same time.

I started that very day, and I haven't looked back. It was one of those habits that fit our lifestyle and our schedule so perfectly that it took virtually no effort on my part to adopt.

And it has transformed my life.

I know, that sounds so dramatic, but I promise you I don't make such a statement lightly. Think about it. What is usually one of the worst times of the day? Lunchtime, right? (The only time of day that could possibly compete with it is the 4:30pm witching hour.) My kids tend to go a little psycho around 11:30am, which tends to make me go a little psycho. But by making the lunches in the morning, when things are relatively calm (and I'm just listening to my conference talk), I've eliminated the stress and craziness of that time of day entirely.

And if we ever decide to go to the park or a friend's house, I can just grab the lunches on our way out the door.

I'm telling you, transformative.

 
Learning to knit
Early last spring, a sweet older lady in our neighborhood taught me how to knit. It had been something I'd wanted to learn how to do for a long time. I started with a dish cloth (isn't that what you always start with?). Then I moved onto a pillow. And right now, I'm halfway through making a vest for Bradley (I'm using small needles, so it's taking me a long time.)

Everything about knitting is calming and relaxing to me (well, except for trying to decode the pattern, but luckily, my teacher hasn't abandoned me). I love the feeling of the soft yarn sliding through my fingers, the methodical click of the needles, and watching the finished product magically grow beneath my hands. It's the perfect thing to do while listening to an audiobook or watching a movie or just sitting tucked up on the couch watching the falling snow. I'm constantly planning out future projects, all while continuing to enjoy the project I'm currently working on.

Plus, learning to knit was one of my actual goals for 2015, and it felt so good to be able to check it off after wanting to learn for so long. I thought I would have to take a class or find some tutorials on the internet, but instead I formed a wonderful friendship with someone in our neighborhood, and that has had its own blessings.

Poetry Snack Time
When I first heard about "poetry tea time" on the Read-Aloud Revival, I decided to try it with my kids, just for fun. The idea is that you combine reading poetry with eating, and that just sounded like a winner combination to me. However, these types of things are often hard for me to stick with simply because, since it's not something we do every day, it can be tricky to know when to fit it in.

But again, as with everything I mentioned above, this tradition took hold with virtually no prodding from me. My kids immediately fell in love with it and look forward to it every time. Over the summer, we did it once a week. Now we do it about once a month (or every other week if we're lucky). I've tried not to force it into our schedule because it's meant to be fun, not essential.

We've tweaked a few things since we started, and I keep meaning to write a full post about it. Hopefully soon.

And that's it. I'd love to know what things YOU started doing in 2015 (big or small!) that changed your life for the better.

What I Read During My Break, Part 2: All the Light We Cannot See, Believing Christ, and Morality For Beautiful Girls

Sorry to overwhelm you with book reviews. There will be one more group after this, and then I'll be caught up.

1. All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

This is one of those books that, even if I wasn't interested in the subject matter, I might have been tempted to read anyway simply because of all the buzz it's been getting over the last eighteen months. But, as it happens, it's just the kind of book I like so I was happy to follow the crowd.

When the story begins, it is 1944 and Saint-Malo, France is being bombed. One character, a girl, Marie-Laure, is in her uncle's house and trying to find safety. She is blind. Another character, a boy, Werner, is buried underneath the rubble of a hotel. He is a German soldier.

The story then recedes back in time to several years before when Marie-Laure and Werner are mere children (they don't know each other).  Marie-Laure lives in Paris with her father who is the locksmith at the Museum of Natural History. When she goes blind at the age of six, he builds an elaborate replica of their neighborhood so that Marie-Laure will be able to memorize every detail of the city before she tries to navigate it herself.

Werner is an orphan and lives with his sister, Jutta, in a small orphanage under the kind care of Frau Elena. Werner has a brilliant mind, and when he finds an old radio, he is able to fix it and listen to programs from all over the continent. When the German army finds out about his talent, he earns a place in an esteemed training academy and is later assigned to help with research and development.

There's one other important character in the story . . . a rare and precious diamond that has its home in the Museum of Natural History. It has a rich history with many legends associated with it, most notably that it contains supernatural powers which will keep its owner safe but bring misfortune to all his friends and family. While the fighting rages, one man, Reinhold von Rumpel, is desperate to find the diamond with the hope that it will save his life.

The story moves between time and characters, with the past inching ever closer to the present until the two collide (which also happens to be the moment when Marie-Laure's and Werner's paths finally cross as well).

The whole story is beautifully and artfully told. At one point, Jutta asks her brother, "Is it right to do something just because everyone else is doing it?" It's a question that I think all of us have to consider at some point in our lives, and it was quite touching to see Werner work through his own answer to it. He's never a bad kid. In fact, if Germany hadn't gone to war, he would have happily spent the rest of his life tinkering and experimenting and inventing. But at first, he's much more interested in self-preservation than in taking a stand. If he can just get through the war without rocking the boat or drawing attention to himself, he will be happy. But the more he sees, the more he realizes he can't do that. He answers Jutta's question through his heroic actions.

I will say that the ending left me a bit disappointed--probably because I prefer happier endings. But overall, this was a well-told story I'm glad to have read.

2. Believing Christ: The Parable of the Bicycle and Other Good News by Stephen E. Robinson

In the last twenty years, I have heard the parable of the bicycle at least a dozen times. It is one of those stories that is used in lessons and talks quite frequently because it explains the concept of grace in such an accessible way.

But I'd never read the actual source of the parable (this book), which is a little surprising since I went to BYU and I know this was assigned reading in many religion classes (but none that I took).

The parable of the bicycle is simply this: When Stephen Robinson's daughter was young, she really wanted a bike. He told her that if she saved all of her money, she would be able to buy one. For weeks, she worked and did extra jobs and collected every penny she could. When she went to her dad to ask if she had enough for a bike, he looked at the pitiful amount that she had saved (something like $1.50) and realized that at that rate, she would be grown before she got her bicycle. He said, "I'll tell you what: you give me everything you have, and I'll make up the difference."

It is the same with Jesus Christ. On our own, we could never be good enough to return to Him. In fact, our efforts look pretty pitiful. But the Savior says, "You give me everything you have, and I'll make up the difference." That's grace.

But this book was much more than just the parable of the bicycle, and actually, I had heard it so much prior to reading this that it didn't have the profound impact on me it once did. But other pieces of insight did.

For example, his explanation of perfection made me think about it in a completely new way. Matthew 5:48 issues the challenge, "Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father in heaven is perfect," but as anyone who has lived on this earth for longer than two minutes knows, it's impossible to be perfect. However, as Stephen Robinson puts it, we're asked to perform "at the limits of our ability" because that is how we grow the most. He relates it to someone lifting weights at a gym. A trainer will keep pushing and pushing you until you collapse because then he knows you've hit the ceiling of your ability . . . and in a few days, you'll be able to go even further.

But this is probably the quote from the book I've thought about the most since finishing it (this is talking about the Savior suffering for the sins of all mankind): "In the Garden of Gethsemane, the spirit withdrew from Jesus because he had taken the guilt of the whole world upon himself and the spirit of God couldn't be present." I've always assumed that the Spirit withdrew from the Savior during that critical moment so that He would know what it felt like to be utterly and completely alone and consequently be able to succor His people as no one else can. While I think that's part of it, it was also a natural consequence. He quite literally took our sins upon Himself, and as all of us know, the Spirit withdraws from us when we sin, so it withdrew from the Savior also.

This book definitely gave me new eyes for the Savior and His sacrifice and greater love for Him.

3. Morality For Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith

One of my reading goals for the year was to read two more books in series that I'd already started. I already read the fourth book in the Penderwicks series earlier this year, but I knew that for the other half of this goal, I really wanted to return to Zebra Drive and Mma Ramotswe.

In this installment, the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency is running into some financial difficulties: although they've had a steady run of cases, most of them aren't paying enough to keep them in the black (plus, Mma Ramotswe keeps giving Mma Makutsi promotions and raises, which doesn't really help the agency's financial state).

Mma Ramotswe consults Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni, and they decide that she should move the agency to the other half of Tlokweng Road Speedy Motors and rent out her building. With the move comes another promotion for Mma Makutsi--to that of assistant manager of the garage. Although such a position was not Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni's idea, it seems like it was fortuitous. Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni is not himself. He doesn't want to work and cares very little about whether his two apprentices work or not, and Mma Makutsi keeps both businesses afloat.

Meanwhile, Mma Ramotswe gets a case from an important man in the government who wants her to investigate the possible poisoning of his brother. While Mma Ramotswe's away, Mma Makutsi takes another case where she must determine if the beauty contestants are morally upright women or not.

There's a lot going on in this book, and I don't know if it was because of that, but I thought some of side stories weren't as fleshed out as they could have been (particularly about the little boy who's found in the desert and smells like a lion--I expected that one to be more important, and, when it wasn't, it almost seemed like it could have been left out entirely).

The hero of this book was definitely Mma Makutsi. In the course of the book, she single-handedly organizes the garage's finances, whips the two lazy apprentices into shape, and solves an important case for the detective agency. She was by far my favorite part of this book. (There are some hints of some stresses of her own, however, and I wonder if those will factor more prominently into a future book.)

The pacing of these stories is slow and gentle with ample amounts of time for philosophizing. Sometimes I found these little tangents quite deep and tinged with humor (a few of my favorite discussions: whether it is moral to stay friends with someone who treats her maid badly, the danger of making false assumptions and hasty judgements, and the conclusion that sometimes we don't need, or even want, to know the answer to everything). Sometimes though, I felt like they went on too long, and I wanted the action to pick up a little.

However, I am loyally attached to these characters, and I'm very curious to find out how Mr. J.L.B Matekoni is doing in the next book.

Have you read any of these books? I'd love to hear your own thoughts, insights, or impressions in the comments!

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

One of my reading goals for 2015 is to "read something of a religious nature." There were so many books I could have read for this goal, but I ended up not even considering most of my options but settled almost immediately on this book, which I've wanted to read for many years.

C.S. Lewis has always been a favorite of mine, and not just because he wrote The Chronicles of Narnia. I like him because he almost sounds like he could have been a member of my faith, but he wasn't. His ideas about God's grand plan for each of His children resonates deep within me as something that's true and echoes the foundational doctrines of my church.

I also like him because he has a very similar style to Elder Neal A. Maxwell, one of my favorite Apostles who passed away in 2004. Both of them knew exactly how to turn a phrase for maximum impact and also came up with some deeply clarifying analogies.

Before beginning this book, I didn't realize that it is actually more of a transcribed talk than a book. C.S. Lewis gave it over the air in the 1940's and changed very little of it when it was published in this format. Consequently, it has a very conversational and casual tone to it. He addresses the reader (or, when he gave it, listener) frequently, and it makes what he says feel very personal and applicable.

This book addresses the related questions, "What does it mean to be a Christian?" and "What does a Christian look like?" It doesn't focus on any particular religion but instead discusses Christianity in a very broad, non-denominational way. It is for anyone who either identifies himself as a Christian (and as a Mormon, I do) or is curious about what goes into being a Christian.

I'm going to do something I don't normally do in reviews and just hand out a few of my very favorite quotes from the book. I hope you'll indulge me. These are the one that made me stop and think. These are the ones I especially don't want to forget.

"Reality, in fact, is usually something you could not have guessed. That is one of the reasons I believe Christianity. It is a religion you could not have guessed. If it offered us just the kind of universe we had always expected, I should feel we were making it up. But, in fact, it is not the sort of thing anyone would have made up. It has just that queer twist about it that real things have."

"Enemy-occupied territory--that is what this world is."

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else  he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse . . . But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

"They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, 'If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?' When you have found the answer, go and do it."

"And that is precisely what Christianity is about. This world is a great sculptor's shop. We are the statues and there is a rumour going round the shop that some of us are some day going to come to life."

"When you come to knowing God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him. And, in fact, He shows much more of Himself to some people than to others--not because He has favorites, but because it is impossible for Him to show Himself to a man whose whole mind and character are in the wrong condition. Just as sunlight, though it has no favorites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as a clean one."

"I find I must borrow yet another parable from George MaDonald. Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and son on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Sorry. Very quote-heavy, I know. Just be grateful I didn't quote more because there is actually very little in the book that isn't quote-worthy.

I loved this book. It deepened and strengthened my faith. It helped me look at some of my doubts and struggles in a new, illuminating light. It buoyed me up and made me grateful for the foundation of my religion.

My search for knowledge is far from over, and as I continue to read and study and pray, I am comforted by this thought from Lewis: "When you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall." I think in many ways I am still one of the ones in the hall. There are many things I am uncertain about, and I have many unanswered questions. But I have the faith to keep moving forward, exploring rooms one by one, with the bright hope that one day my faith will be secure and unshaking.

In the meantime, I will do my best to live the life of a Christian and follow the example of my dear Savior.

Fire in the Bones by S. Michael Wilcox

Four years ago, Elder D. Todd Christofferson (a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) opened his General Conference address with these words:

"On October 6, in the year 1536, a pitiful figure was led from a dungeon in Vilvorde Castle near Brussels, Belgium. For nearly a year and a half, the man had suffered isolation in a dark, damp cell. Now outside the castle wall, the prisoner was fastened to a post. He had time to utter aloud his final prayer, 'Lord! open the king of England’s eyes,' and then he was strangled."

My interest was piqued. The man he was speaking of was William Tyndale, and much of the information he went on to share was compiled from the biography, Fire in the Bones by S. Michael Wilcox. That evening, I put it on my to-read list, and the good thing about Goodreads is that it doesn't let you forget about the books you put on there . . . even if it takes four years for you to pick them up.

At the beginning of this year, I decided that I really wanted to make an effort to read this book, so I made one of my goals, "read a biography." As far as biographies go, this one is on the short side (only 235 pages), so I figured it would be a relatively easy goal to check off.

. . . And then, after almost an entire year and multiple renewals, I finally finished it. It turned out to be slower going than I originally thought, but I'll talk about that in a minute.

First, let me tell you a little about William Tyndale. He lived during the 16th century, and while you might not recognize his name, you almost certainly would recognize some of his words, including some that are especially appropriate at this time of year: "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord."

In 1520, the Bible was confined almost entirely to Latin, which made it purposely inaccessible to the common people. A few incomplete translations had been rendered, but Tyndale decided to take on the entire New Testament with the goal that "If God spare my life, ere many years I will cause a boy that driveth the plough shall know more of the scripture than thou [the pope and clergy] dost."

With the help of several brave friends, Tyndale translated the New Testament and large portions of the Old Testament, published his translations, and got them into the hands of men and women who were starving for the word of God. He lived in exile and eventually was found and executed.

Before reading this book, I didn't give much thought to the differences in various translations of the scriptures. Of course I knew there were differences, and I know many people who compare various translations to gain added insight into the scriptures, but since we mainly use the King James translation of the Bible, I didn't think much about where some of the phrases we know and love, such as "still small voice," "I stand at the door and knock," and "let there be light," came from.

All three of the above quotes happened to be translated as such by Tyndale, and I really thought it was fascinating to learn about how his translations influenced the English language in general, as well as the language of the scriptures. I was especially interested to learn about the word "atonement." Although Tyndale didn't create the word, he was the first person to use it in reference to "Christ's redeeming act." It happens to be one of the words most loved in my faith because it attempts to encompass all that Christ did for us when He took our sins upon Himself. And while it's rather audacious to assume that a single word could convey the magnitude of such an event, the word "atonement" tries to do just that, and I'm so grateful we have it.

While I loved learning about this quiet, but incredibly valiant, man (and it increased my appreciation of the scriptures by probably a hundredfold), I won't pretend there weren't sections that were a bit tedious to get through. S. Michael Wilcox tells much of the story through eyewitness accounts and relies especially heavily on John Foxe (a contemporary of Tyndale). My Old English reading skills are not very proficient (although a quick search on wikipedia tells me it's not even Old English that was being spoken in 1526, but "Early Modern English"), and I had to read multiple paragraphs multiple times to try to figure out what they were talking about. (And when you are doing a lot of rereading, even a short book can seem to drag on and on.)

But then there were parts of the book that whipped right along. For example, when I was reading about Tyndale's betrayal by Henry Phillips (a man straight out of a Dickens' novel if ever there was one), I didn't have to make myself read it at all. I wanted to find out what was going to happen next (even though I was already aware of Tyndale's fate).

This particular biography of William Tyndale is probably different from most of the other ones out there (not having read any others, I'm taking a wild guess here) because it's written by an LDS author. So S. Michael Wilcox makes a lot of connections between the Bible and the Book of Mormon and also makes the logical point that without William Tyndale, the boy Joseph Smith would not have been sitting in his living room reading the Bible. He would not have read the verse in James that reads: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God," which prompted him to go to a secluded grove of trees. He would not have had a vision that changed the course of his life and led to the restoration of the Gospel.

While I really liked the added insight this perspective gave to my own beliefs (the chapter that talked about Nephi's vision where he saw the early colonists traveling across the ocean with a book that was "of great worth" to them was especially poignant for me), it might not be for everyone. But then again, it might. If you are not Mormon and end up reading it, I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

As I read about Tyndale's struggles and many sacrifices, I couldn't help but think about what his reaction would be if he knew about the easy access most individuals now have to a Bible. There's a copy of it in the nightstand of every hotel room. You can buy it for 50 cents at the local Goodwill. You can read it for free on the internet.

Tyndale said: "I would wish even all women to read the gospel and the epistles of St. Paul . . . I wish that the husbandman may sing parts of them at his plow, that the weaver may warble them at his shuttle, that the traveller may with their narratives beguile the weariness of the way." It seems his wish has been fulfilled, but there's a part of me that wonders if having it at our fingertips has devalued it. Has the pendulum swung to the opposite side? When no one could read it, everyone wanted to. Now everyone can, but no one wants to. 

Reading about Tyndale's death and the deaths of so many others (seriously, the authorities did not bat an eye about executing anyone, guilty or not) to put this book into the hands of common people deepened my appreciation of it so much. I can't even tell you. I am so grateful that I can hold it in my hands and read it each afternoon or evening. There have been times in my life when I didn't give it the value it deserved, but I hope I never treat it so lightly again. 

The Power of Everyday Missionaries: The What and How of Sharing the Gospel by Clayton M. Christensen

I don't normally post on Sundays, but this seemed like an appropriate review for the day.

If you know anything about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (i.e., Mormons), it might be that we focus heavily on missionary work. In fact, I don't know of another religion that devotes so much attention, time, or money on spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  No matter where you live, there's a chance you maybe have run into, or had your door knocked on, by Mormon missionaries.

The stereotypical missionaries are clean-cut young men in dark suits with name badges, but young women also serve missions and so do senior couples. It is expected that every young man who is worthy and able will devote two years of his life to sharing and teaching the Gospel. While young women are not under the same obligation, their service is still valued and appreciated.

Several of my family members have served missions: before my mom got married, she served in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Mike served in the West Indies. One of my brothers served in Sydney, Australia. Another brother served in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And I have another brother who is currently serving in Fresno, California.

 My brother, Gordy (on the right), serving in Australia

I did not serve a full-time mission. At that time, young women weren't able to serve until age 21 (the age has now been lowered to 19), and I got married when I was 20. However, all members of the Church are encouraged to share their beliefs with their family, friends, and acquaintances (David O. McKay, who served as prophet of the Church from 1951-1970, coined the phrase, "Every member a missionary.")

But sometimes it's difficult for me to share those beliefs because I'm worried about being overbearing or offending someone or even finding the right words to clearly explain some of our doctrines. Plus, I live in Utah where there is a much higher concentration of members of the Church, and so it's easy to assume everyone has already been asked a million times if they want to know more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm worried I might seem pushy, even though my motives for wanting to tell other people about my beliefs are pure (for more about why ordinary members of the Church want to talk about the Gospel, read or watch this excellent talk by Elder David A. Bednar).

And now that I've told all that, you might not be surprised to hear that I would read a book called, The Power of Everyday Missionaries: The What and How of Sharing the Gospel. Because, let's be honest, even though I strongly believe in the doctrines and practices of the Church, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to share those beliefs with others.

My brother, Ben (on the right), serving in Pennsylvania

Honestly, I might not have picked up this book if it hadn't been the assigned reading for a family reunion last month. In fact, I maybe began reading it a little halfheartedly. I think I was a little worried it was going to be really intense and make me feel guilty if I'm not delivering Books of Mormon to all of my neighbors.

But in fact, it did just the opposite. It talked about how to share our beliefs in as natural and authentic a way as possible (and let me tell you, knocking on my neighbor's door with a Book of Mormon in hand is not authentic or natural (at least for me).

Clay Christensen talked about including the tenets of our faith in normal, everyday conversations, which I definitely feel like I do both here on this blog and in real life. Going to church, reading the scriptures, and praying are so ingrained in my daily habits, it would be virtually impossible for me to censure myself and never bring them up. If I'm talking about my life, then I'm talking about my faith because I can't separate it from who I am.

I really appreciated Clay Christensen's emphasis on discovering the questions of interested family and friends. Missionary work is not formulaic; it is individual and personal. It wouldn't be productive or even helpful for me to launch into an explanation of temples if my friend is really just curious about why we don't drink alcoholic beverages.

 My brother, Steve (wearing glasses), in the missionary training center (he is now serving in California)

I also really liked his thoughts about keeping an open mind and never pigeon-holing people into prescribed boxes of "definitely interested," "probably interested," "would never be interested." Only the Lord knows peoples' hearts. And so it's important to live our lives authentically (as I mentioned before) and not hide that authenticity from those we think might be offended by what we have to say.

Within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have many organizations that present many opportunities to serve and teach others. For example, Relief Society is the organization for the women. Besides meeting together on Sundays, we have weeknight meetings approximately once a month where we learn a new skill, listen to a speaker, or participate in a service project. These meetings are a time for women of all faiths to come together and learn from one another, and I'm grateful that other women in my community are willing to share their talents and expertise in these types of settings. In this book, Clay Christensen devotes an entire chapter to the importance of asking for help from people outside of our faith. This gives them a chance to see what the Church is like from the inside and also gives us a chance to be blessed by other people in our community. He said, "Even though many prosperous, comfortable people don't feel like they need religion, almost all of them have a need to help other people."

For those individuals who are investigating the Church and taking the missionary discussions, I was really impressed with his counsel to thoroughly teach the practices of prayer, scripture reading, Sabbath observance, etc. He said, "When investigators repeatedly fail to keep . . . commitments [such as reading The Book of Mormon or praying], we and the missionaries are prone to conclude that the investigators really are not interested. But often investigators don't do these things because they don't know how." I feel like these principles of teaching, guiding, and showing are vital to all, whether we've been members of the Church our entire lives or not. In the Church, all positions are filled by volunteers, and sometimes I think we err on the side of less instruction instead of more. We assume people will know how to lead the music or teach Sunday School and so don't provide them adequate training.

With all of these points, Clay Christensen provided personal examples. These were not only enjoyable to read but also helped me see how to apply certain advice to real life situations.

 My mom (in the blue dress) serving in New Mexico in 1982

If you are not Mormon but have questions about the Church, I would encourage you to seek out an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (such as myself!) rather than searching for answers on the internet. Even if it's just to satisfy your curiosity on a certain point, I would love to hear and answer your questions. Feel free to send me an email: sunlitpages {at} gmail {dot} com.

And if you are Mormon, then I would definitely recommend this as a great resource to help you reach outside your comfort zone and share those beliefs that you hold most dear and precious.

The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox

Early last year, I read a wonderful book entitled, The God Who Weeps by Terryl and Fiona Givens. It touched my heart and strengthened my belief in Jesus Christ, and I always intended to write about it. But I found it a difficult book to write about because I didn't exactly know what it was I wanted to share about it. And then, since it was a religious book, I couldn't decide whether I should try to explain things about my religion at the same time or if I should just dive in as if everyone knew exactly what I was talking about.

And so, in the end, indecision made the decision for me. It has now been far too long since I finished it, so unless I reread it (which I very well might), I won't be writing a review of it.

As I came to the end of The Continuous Atonement, I could sense the same kind of hesitancy. I reread over all of my favorite quotes and narrowed them down, and I still had two pages of material from the book alone, not including any of my own thoughts.

Obviously, that’s too much for one post, even for me. So instead, I decided to focus on five specific topics that really touched my heart and broadened my thinking. I’ll try to keep explanations/definitions to a minimum, but if something doesn’t make sense or you’d like to discuss a point in greater depth, feel free to do so in the comments.

But first, a word about why I decided to read this book. In my Church, we have a monthly publication known as The Ensign, which includes inspirational and doctrinal messages from leaders, teachers, and other individuals. In the September issue, I read an article by Brad Wilcox entitled “His Grace is Sufficient.” I read it a couple of times before I decided I wanted more and went to the original speech from which the article was taken. I read (and then watched) the entire speech and then noticed that Brad Wilcox had actually written an entire book on the same subject. So I expanded my reading even further.

Originally, I was a bit hesitant to read anything by Brad Wilcox because he is so connected with youth conferences and EFYs from my teenage years. I almost felt like his writing would be too juvenile (this from the girl who loves to read picture books and middle grade novels). But while I did find his writing (and especially the speech itself) influenced and marked by his many years working with teenagers, I didn’t find the concepts themselves to be juvenile in any way.

The book is a commentary on the Atonement of Jesus Christ: the depth and breadth and scope of it as well as how we can use and apply it every day in order to return to Heavenly Father. But even more than that, it is about just how much the Savior loves each one of us.

First, I learned about the long-suffering nature of the Atonement. Every Sunday, we have the opportunity to partake of the sacrament. Before the bread and water is passed to the congregation, a priest says the words of the sacrament prayer. These words are recorded in the scriptures and are supposed to be said without error. If the priest makes a mistake in the words, the bishop asks him to begin again. Brad Wilcox said, "Although the sacramental prayers had to be perfect, and that expectation could not be lowered, the priest was given a second chance, and a third--as many times as it took. There was no trapdoor that opened up once he had gone too far. The bishop simply nodded and the young priesthood holder started over until he finally got the prayer right. No matter how many mistakes were made and corrected along the way, the final outcome was counted as perfect and acceptable [emphasis added]." I love this analogy. It demonstrates that the Savior does not expect us to be perfect right away, but he does expect us to keep trying and improving. It is wonderful to realize that if we continue to grow and change, all of our mediocre past efforts will be forgotten in favor of who we have become.


Second, I learned that the Atonement is a continual source of good. Sometimes Mormons are criticized for placing too much emphasis on works rather than the grace of Jesus Christ. It's not that we don't believe that we are nothing without His grace. We know that we cannot return to Heavenly Father without His help. But we also think it is important for us to demonstrate our faith in His grace through our works. This scripture is quoted often within our church: "For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25.23). This makes it sound as if Christ's power to save does not come into effect until our own efforts have been exhausted. But Brad Wilcox said (and I believe this is true), "Christ's power is not an emergency generator that turns on once our supply is exhausted. It is not a booster engine once we run out of steam. Rather, it is our constant energy source. If we think of Christ only making up the difference after we do our part, we are failing to keep the promise we make each Sunday to remember Him always."

Third, the Atonement has the immense power to change us in unexpected ways. Brad Wilcox said, “Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom, who pays the piano teacher, can require her child to practice. By so doing she is not attempting to recover the cost of the lessons, but to help the child take full advantage of this opportunity to live on a higher level. Her joy is not found in getting her investment back but in seeing it used. If the child, in his immaturity, sees Mom’s expectation to practice as unnecessary or overly burdensome, it is because he doesn’t yet share her perspective. When Christ’s expectations of faith, repentance, covenants, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endurance feel trying to us, perhaps it is because, as C.S. Lewis put it, ‘we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us' [emphasis added].” This is probably my favorite analogy in the whole book. It strikes a personal chord for sure since so much of my life has been devoted to music lessons, so it's easy for me to translate that perspective to this much more magnificent example.

Fourth, I learned about the singular nature of the Atonement. I think this was perhaps the most eye-opening part of the book for me. It made me consider things I never have before, such as, "If Jesus had not performed the Atonement, would there have been another to take His place?" If I had really thought about such a question, I think I would have known that, no, there was no one else who could take His place, but I had just never really considered such an idea before reading this book. It made me understand why one-third of Heavenly Father's children could reject the Plan and follow Satan. Brad Wilcox put it this way:  "Can't you almost hear Satan saying, 'Are you really going to put all your eggs in one basket? Are you really going to put all of your faith in one person?. . . Everyone knew Lucifer's alternative plan provided no chance for eternal growth or progress. So perhaps one of the reasons he was successful in convincing so many to follow him was by instilling doubt in God's plan."

It was in this chapter that Brad Wilcox told this amazing story about his brother-in-law who, as a young 12-year-old boy, fell off a steep cliff and was literally saved by a single branch that was growing out of the cliff. He fell 60 feet before being caught by the branch, where he was then suspended over fifty more feet. Brad Wilcox likened this lone branch to the Savior, who is our One and Only Chance to return to Heavenly Father. He is the Only One who can save us.
That would be like a boy falling off a vast cliff and then expecting to be saved by one branch.'

Finally, the Atonement is about LOVE. As I read this book, I felt that message again and again, ever more strongly. Brad Wilcox said about the Savior's accomplishment of the Atonement: “Did He avoid eternal punishment? Yes. Did He receive eternal rewards? Yes. But those were not his motivation. They were simply natural consequences that followed His choice at a higher level. Did He fulfill His birthright obligation? Yes. Did He please His father? Yes. But those were natural consequences as well, not motives. What motivated Jesus was the greatest motivation of all—pure, perfect, infinite love [emphasis added].”

I will say that for all the many things I loved about this book, Brad Wilcox's style of writing was not always my favorite. I felt like he used a lot of contrived one-liners, like this one: "Christ’s requirements are not so that we can make the best of the Atonement, but so that—on His generous terms—the Atonement can make the best of us." And this one: "In that moment, we realize we do not earn the Atonement. The Atonement actually earns us." While there is not anything wrong with these statements per se, they were just overused. They probably sound great if you're speaking, and you want to end your talk with one of them, to deliver that final punch. But over and over again in the book, it just started to feel like I was reading the words of a motivational speaker (which, I guess I kind of was).

I read this book as part of my daily scripture study. I would read two or three pages and then look up all of the scriptures that were referenced during those pages. This meant that the book took me two months to read,  but I felt like I got so much out of it because I turned to the scriptures to enlighten and increase my understanding, and I spent a lot of time pondering the words I read.

I know this review is much too long for anyone to have any interest in actually reading it. I really spent so much time writing it for me. I wanted to remember the things I learned and felt while reading this book. Writing helps me internalize what I read, and I wanted to internalize as much of this book as possible.